Summer Time is Here Again...

So, it's summer time. Truth, it's not my favorite time of year, but it's not bad for a runner up. The sunshine and the occasional breeze are nice to enjoy. Yet, the humidity brings upon the yetzer horah. Layers of tznius are peeled off and leave us exposed, literally and figuratively.

As, I have friends from all circles of life, I was faced with a dilemma. I went to meet a friend to work on a project and she was wearing (gasp!) short sleeves. Obviously, it's not something I do or condone but I'm not one to go around giving people mussar. Who am I to judge? In fact, I happen to know she knows better but maybe this is just wear she wants to be. She's a smart girl and can decide for herself.

The dilemma arises within me. I was positively embarrassed to be sitting outside with her. Boys are walking by and obviously looking. Forget the fact that they are already curious as to what crazy girls are sitting on the benches. I'm willing to give that up. I would honestly have chosen to sit out of sight but I didn't care all that much about sitting outside. But the whole time, all I could think about was: "What do they think of me?"

People, unfortunately are judgmental by nature. In addition, one is consistently judged by their friends. If you look at a person’s friends you can tell a lot about who they are. A certain Rosh Yeshiva, who knows me walked by. I wanted to run up and say: "I'm so sorry! Don't worry this is not me!".

In fact I don’t think I would care as much, had it not been the fact that a number of people this year approached me about the issue. They told me that often times, people get the wrong idea about be because I may hang out with a more modern crowd. It’s not that I don’t trust myself but having been in more modern settings for most of my life, obviously, more modern acquaintances are a inevitable. I know my boundaries and am able to know when I won’t feel comfortable and walk away from the situation.

I'm embarrassed that I think this way. In fact, I wonder what I felt like last year. Have my sensitivities changed or did this friend of mine just dress more tzniusly... I don't know the answer. I really don't. I feel so bad and I want to be warm and welcoming. What should I do??

Commencement

This past Thursday was Commencement at the university I work for. It was a touching ceremony, in that it was the end of yet, another cycle. I watched on like a proud parent, feeling only great admiration that they have come to the actualize a dream many of us have, in graduating college. It is a privelege and an opportunity. It is the opportunity they can only continue to actualize.

One of the awardees at the ceremony spoke about what it means to be free. He, having has his childhood under the nazi regime, grew up an under priveleged life. He never had the opportunity to dream of the future, all he thought of was how to stay alive. A very different life, than the ones we live here in America. Yet, all I kept thinking of was: are we really free? True, we are not persecuted based on our religon as was done under the Nazis but I look around me and I see that we are slaves to society. People die, trying to be better then their neighboor along with loads of other nonsense. Do we really appreciate the freedom we were given that our grandparents in Europe did not have? Do we live, breath and follow the words of the Torah like we should? After all, we are free!

What does it mean to be free? I think it means having priveleges and opportunity. I'm sure it means something else to others but daven that we actually actualize that which we has been denied for so much time...The freedom to perform mitvos like we should. Hashem should grant each of us the ability to overcome society and serve him the best way we can.

Help.....

This job search is making me crazy. period. I just want to know what I will be doing. Maybe g-d isn't allowing anything to work out because I should be focusing my chochot on something else. Maybe I'm not as capable as I think I am. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe Maybe Maybe. HELP! There is a job about to open up, that I REALLY want...but I don't know that I'll get it. More importantly, I can't throw all my eggs into one basket. Someone else had mentioned something and I want to ask her about it but I feel like, she'll tell me when she's ready. Or maybe I should just get on with it and ask. I feel like in a month I'm going to be poor and on the street (chas v'shalom). This anxiety is making me physichally and mentally exhausted. I can't study (for my DATs...yes, I'm taking them). Oy. I got a fortune today and it read: You are talented in many ways. I wish I felt that way. Just daven that everything should work out the way it is supposed to.

Einstein

Ready to shepp (not sure how to spell that...) some nachas? So, almost 3 years ago I was walking to catch a train and I bumped into a guy whom I worked in camp with (yes, my only summer co-ed experience, we'll discuss my trauma from that some other time). We said hello to eachother, I asked him what he was studying in college and he told me he was pre-law but he told me this in the most unenthusiastic voice I have ever heard and I told him so! He told me his parents really wanted him to go into law but I made it clear to him that he was so unhappy and he was only 21 at the time, why waste a whole life so young!? Well, he told me he had thought about medical school and I told him if that's what you want, go for it! and he did! he enrolled in biology and took all the appropriate courses. I heard rumors constantly that I destroyed his life. All he did now was study! We'll everything came full circle. He called me to tell me he got into medical school, the one of his choice. He was even kind enough to say thank you and that he would have never done it had it not been for me knocking some sense into his head. It taught me something important...you NEVER know the impact you could have in someone's life. I barely knew/know this guy but I changed his life.

The Wedding

Last night, I attended the wedding of a guy I knew from a camp I worked at a number of summers ago. He apprently invited me, because a girl I set him up with led him to his now wife. B"H you never know what could lead to what. But the whole situation was awkward. I didn't know any of the girls but undoubtedly I knew all of the boys from camp. Many came over to say hello, but I felt so awkward and so wrong. I have worked so hard, more this year than ever to really free myself from these situations. To not put myself where I would have to talk to these boys because this is not who I am or want to be. It's already hard enough that most live in my community and I see them around so often, if not daily. I've been pretty good but I was faced with it in a way I haven't been faced with it before. I almost didn't feel so bad because no one that would care even saw me. But I felt bad for being such a hypocrite. I hope Hashem forgives me and realizes I simply went for the sake of simchas chosson v' kallah.

27 and Single

So at the Lag Ba'omer party I went to, I met the sister of one of my younger brother' friends. She told me she was 27 and single. I was so sad for her. I wish I knew older guys to set her up with (she wasn't willing to date anyone younger) but I don't. But I couldn't stop thinking about her since the party. Maybe it's because if she could get to be 27 and single, there is no doubt in my mind that it could happen to me too. Sadly, it's not so far away...a mere 2 years... I'm so scared, so scared that it will never happen. I'm sad for her and all other girls in her plight...May Hashem help us all...

Am I wrong?

I attended a lag ba'omer party for single girls. It was nice, I got to see some friends and relax. A girl got up to give a D'var Torah and she went on to say how all single girls should unite. That we should get together and enjoy each others' company, whether it be having shabbos meals together or just getting together as a group of single girls. I couldn't help but think, is it really such a good idea to have single girls congregating all the time, when all discussions inevitably lead to dating. I'd rather be with different families that I know, who bring about a special aura of shabbos, which I would never get if I would spend it with single girls on a Friday night. Dating is hard enough as it is. Who wants to spend shabbos talking about it? I'd rather hear the all inspiring words of the Torah. It's the only thing that will provide any sort of nechama to my/our plight.

How Could it Be?

On Friday, I accompanied a foreign student to a Dr’s office to pay her bill. On our way there, we had some basic idle chit chat, she told me she was having a hard time manipulating the administration to cut her some slack (she wanted to take a certain summer school class but there was some silly rule preventing her from doing so) and that she just wanted to do the right thing and do the best she could. After all for her, being in America was a golden opportunity. After a little bit of probing, she told me she didn’t have any real friends with her in college. She spent most of her shabbosim in her room alone. She came to America just to be near her boy friend. She missed the closeness that existed amongst peers, back in her home town. She told me that here, if you didn’t fit in a certain group, you were just left out. She wanted to badly to be responsible, to make some money but her foreign status prevented her and all it did was drive her crazy. All I wanted to do was break down and cry and tell her I would be her friend. I wanted to hold her hand and give her the strength to carry on. The strength that one day everything will be right.

I wondered how it could be that she, in a Jewish institution, was completely over-looked. How could it be, that no one had the heart to sit down next to her and be her friend? And she was so sweet and nice! She kissed me good-bye and I vowed in my heart that I would do my best to make her stay here in America, more pleasant.

The Single Shabbaton

I was going to ignore it completely but after having a truly disturbing conversation about it, I felt I needed to say something. What has the Jewish world come to? A screening process for individuals who simply want to find their bashert? and allowing 20 year olds to go? What are we educating to our children? I'm literally shocked, pained and amazed that this is what the Jewish people have come to. I'm not against the shabbaton bishita. In fact I think it's a great idea! As long as it's done with sensitivity and desire to truly help others. AND I've even been to one where they were SO careful and although I was the odd one out, I really enjoyed myself and made a kesher with a wonderful shaddchan. I hope that the 20 year old girls going realize that they are not desperate and the ones that didn't get to go, don't think they are nobody's because they didn't get in. And the people that created the shabbaton, I hope they had real intentions of making shidduchim, rather than having a 'who's who' shabbaton.

It's Amazing...

I have yet to understand what engagement does to people, that they suddenly forget that there is a world and people with feelings around them. It amazes me how people who cried day and night over their plight (of not being married) are now happily engaged or married and their friends become completely insignificant. Unfortunately, I am and have been faced with this phenomenon too many times to count and all it does is pain me. I have one friend at this point in time who made and continues to make (even a year later) every effort to include me in her/their life. She graduated from Social Work school (yesterday!!) and like a proud friend went, because I knew she would want me there, to be a part of her milestone. My day was only tainted (as it is every day) when I returned home. I walk in to my own home/apartment like a complete and total stranger. My roomate and her chosson/fiance (whatever you prefer to use) are ALWAYS over, from the minute I get home to the minute (and well after the time) I go to sleep. You would think that they would say hi, how was your day, but it's never like that. I just walk in say hello (no acknowledgement) and go on my merry way (all the way over to my room). It's depressing sometimes and more so I am amazed that a ben and bat Torah act in such a way, with absolutely no considertation to another individual. I have yet to be invited to have a meal with them or to even join in a conversation. It's always them...and me. I thank Hashem it's almost over (1 more month) and I pray that I never do this to anyone. If I do, feel free to let me know...even if it requires literally hitting me over the head.

Chessed

I've been meaning to write this post for quite some time. I think I've come to terms with being single. It's still hard and I still want to get married more that you can imagine but there is a reason why it is this way. Being single has really given me the opportunity to help people with literally anything. Whether it be to help a friend mark her papers for school, cook for someone in the hospital, sleep over when a friends' husband is away etc... These are all things I would NEVER be able to do, if I were married. I truly thank Hashem for giving me the opportunity to do so much chessed. I truly look forward to every chance I get. Truth is, I better get all the shamayim points I can now because there will be a point when time and opportunities will be limited. A famous phrase that we should all learn from...

"Im lo achshav, ematay?" ; "If not now, when?"

Tza'ar

This past week was a tough one. My friend's mother had passed away after batteling with cancer for several years and another friend of mine's husband had surgery to replace one of his heart valves after discovering he had a severe heart murmor. There are so many targic things that I've been hearing about and I wonder was the world always filled with these things? Or are we now only finding out about them, whereas in our childhood we were constantly protected from them? I don't know the answer but all this is a little too much for one's plate. I only daven that Hashem bring them comfort and that we should only hear besoros tovos.

Sorry...

I'm sorry for freaking out all my readers. I really just wanted to get it off my chest. He's a great guy and from the little I know, he is everything that I'm looking for in a future husband. For all I know the right one will be nothing like this guy or anything I imagine 'him' to be. We will just wait and see... I'll also probably feel a lot better when I date a good guy...and I mean a GOOD guy.