Weekly thoughts

You mess up once...you become tainted for life. I find this so anti-teshuva. People make mistakes, and should be given the opportunity to repent. I was at a friend's apartment. She and her husband were watching TV. I sat down for a little because I didn't want to be rude and just come for what I was coming for and leave, especially in light of the fact that they are moving in a couple of days across the country. So I watched TV for an hour. Does that automatically make me not frum and completely unworthy of marrying someone yeshivish? If that's so...well, I better just give it all up now. I have made MANY mistakes and I'm sure I will continue to do so. It is not a norm for me, but it has happened. I try to be as careful as possible but sometimes we slip. This is not only in reference to TV but anything else in the same category. I know, I should never compromise on frummkeit and I generally don't as it is the most important thing in my life - but we all mess up and it's perfectly normal. If I didn't mess up, then I don't think I would be human. In addition...when does 'I messed up' stop being the valid 'excuse'? B”H I have friends from all different walks and levels of yiddishkeit. Should I stop being their friend because I’m not strong enough to control myself? I think I generally am a strong person but sometimes I’m just not strong enough…is that a crime?

On a separate note...dating...ya, I think I'm slowly resigning to the fact that I'm never getting married. I think I'll feel better with this mindset. I won't work so hard at it anymore and I won't feel bad for myself when it doesn't happen and if it does...well it's a great bonus. I dream of wanting to be a rebbetzin (don't laugh), of being the person in a community where people seek my advice etc...It's been a dream of mine for quite some time -- but it can only happen through marriage. Unfortunately, in our society it doesn't exist otherwise. So, I've shattered other life dreams and have gotten over it...what's one more?! I just long not to be envious of others' and their beautiful marriages. I just want to be happy. I don't want to look at my friends' wistfully and wonder if it will happen to me. I wish I was a better person and able to think...all in the right time, according to his plan. I know it and believe it -- but sadly, it doesn't cure my aching heart.

This shabbos was incredibly beautiful. It was so nice for the local to yeshiva to start up again. All the boys have returned and davening was so spiritually uplifting. Seeing the Rabbis that I have become so close with was incredible. I miss their kedusha. They make me anticipate every shabbos through out the week. I can't wait for their daughters to come back from the holy land, so I can spend shabbos at their homes again. Hashem should bless each one of them and their families for the happiness that they bring to everyone they touch.

He's back...

Check out my post from about 6 months ago...

He's back...or so I hear...I can't help but think about him and wonder if we are meant to be and all our previous attempts, simply did not work out because Hashem did not deem it the right time. I know, many of you are thinking...'Girl, just get over it already! You deserve so much better'. I wish I could say it was that easy and I wish I could tell you that I have long forgotten him and I wish I could say that there is better out there. But the truth is, it's not easy, I haven't forgotten him, and I don't know someone better out there.

Maybe, I can't do it because I haven't dated or know anyone that I think would be the best fit for me, in terms of personality, hashkafah, family backgrounds etc...We just clicked so well (at least from my end). I wish I could stop him and say...'hey, what happened between us!?' But I know I won't, I'm just too scared. It's also so hard for me to forget about him, simply because EVERYONE who I talk to about shidduchim, thinks that we make a great match...

I still think about writing him that letter...but I don't want to scare him either...

I don't know what to do but I'm preparing myself for when I do see him...It'll probably just be a brush off...but hey, anything could happen...

Moshiach, Moshiach, Mosiach...Oy ya yoy ya yoy!

I know I haven't posted in a while but I've been sooooooo busy, between work and what not, life has been crazy. Starting a new job can be stressful, especially when your boss decides to drop all of his tasks on you. On top of which, he can't manage his staff and because I'm #2, they all come and complain to me...including him.

But anyway....onto more important topics. So, Tisha B'av came and went...and Moshiach didn't come. I learnt an interesting vort that really put Tisha B'av into perspective for me. I learn that even though we mourn every year, our kinnos booklets (before artscroll came along) were paperback because they would be thrown out because next year Moshiach would for sure be here and we wouldn't need to mourn again. I reminded myself of the stories of the of the Chofetz Chaim where he had his bag packed, next to his door, with the most pristine clothing, ready for the minute Moshiach arrived. I wondered and continue to wonder, why I don't have my bag packed. Do I really wait for the day Moshiach will arrive? I think of packing the bag and all I can think is, well...maybe I want to wear that outfit! After all, I spent money on it! I have no concept of buying it for the sake of Moshiach...it seems so lofty and so far away...yet, I know how wrong I am for thinking in such a mindset. Unfortunately, thinking the right way seems so foreign. I wonder what the right way to approach changing my mindset would be. I would assume it's a gradual process...the question is just, where to begin.