It's been a while....

It's been almost a year since the last time I blogged but I felt like tonight would be a good night to write a little something.

So, what have I been up to, you ask? Well, I got a promotion last summer, making me the head of my department and amazingly enough it was a week before Rosh Hashanah and two weeks before this economic mess we're in. Amazing how Hashem has his ways. He made it work EXACTLY the way I needed it. So, not only did this rid me of my obnoxious, overbearing boss but it gave me the flexibility and power to move a department forward and allow me to continue to pursue my education just the way I want to.

As you know (or if you don't, now you do!) I have been pursuing my masters in Social Work. Not the field that I feel is my destiny in life but it's interesting, I'm enjoying it and I'm sure it will be handy at some point in life. I would eventually like to use it in the private practice sector, either counseling at risk teens or some type of family or marriage counseling. But we shall see. In any case, I have to complete two years of field placement as part of my master’s degree. Lucky enough, I was given a placement close to home and not too far from work AND one the that was flexible with my work schedule. I know, crazy amount of requests but it worked out so well, B"H. As a result of adding this field placement to my workload, I'm working REALLY hard and am actually going out of my mind since I now work really long hours, 6 days a week and am constantly on the go from one minute to the next but B"H, I am employed with a wonderful job and I am completing my masters degree. One more year....

Other updates in my life, so I really love NCSY but I think I've gotten too old for it. After this year, I think this will be it. Not that I don't think I am effective or I'm not a good advisor but I just don't like how bad all the other advisors are and that they turn to me to take care of everything. If there is a head advisor to be the ‘bad guy’ and make sure everyone is doing what they are supposed to be doing and they don't want to give me that job for whatever reason, well then let whoever they choose take care of it. You don’t need me to run the show. I don't think I can handle being this limbo of being in charge but not really. Either I am or I'm not. It has to be one or the other. I’m 26, extremely busy and have WAY too many things on my mind to have it clutter my brain of being somewhat in charge but not really. I feel bad, that I might lose my relationship with some of the kids but such is life…you win and you lose and I know I did the best I could for Klal Yisroel. I hope Hashem will forgive me for being so selfish.

Dating...so, ya...same old...I still haven't found my bashert. I turn 27 in 2 very short months and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I dated someone seriously recently who I thought was my bashert and well...he turned out to be a jerk just like the rest of them. I feel like giving up so badly. I sit and wonder...here I am 9 years post seminary and am still as frum as I was then. I work hard to be a baalas chessed, to be sincere in my avodas Hashem and to be a good person doing all the 'right' things but alas, I am not a size 2 and obviously not pretty enough to be eligible to marry just one guy. I'm just asking for one, really, I promise! I feel like all the wrong guys like me and are interested in me and I sit and sometimes wonder if I'm making a mistake. I want a guy who wants to be a rav or a rebbe or even interested in making a career in kiruv. It sounds so specific but I really want someone who shares the same feelings I do of wanting to make a difference in the world. Is that really so much to ask for? Apparently it is...

I ate by a friend this past Friday night. Her roommates and some other friends were having a party in her apartment later on in the evening. It was obviously co-ed and they had so much alcohol in the apartment, I'm not sure even how to explain or describe that one. One of the hosts of the party was a friend of mine from seminary. I saw all her ideals completely washed away. She saw nothing wrong with the fact that she would be surrounded by men, drunk! I was deeply saddened. I obviously did not stay for the party but I walked home thinking how sheltered I am from the life of your typical single, 20-30 year old girl. I walked home wondering, is this what Hashem wants me to be? To just get over myself and live like the others? Is that really what he wants? Because I’m running out of normal single friends. I live in such a different world. What am I doing here? I don't know, but I desperately would like to just meet Mr. Right already. Is he out there? Does Hashem expect me to turn around, lower my standards and ‘party’ like the others? I sure hope not and if that’s what he wants, I need a clear sign ASAP because I’ve obviously been doing the wrong thing all this time…I'm slowly losing hope.

Every name I hear, profile I view etc...are the same guys over and over again -- either we've dated, he/I said no, or he's completely not shayach. I have rarely heard of a guy who shares the ideals I wish to someday live that I haven’t dated or something. Is he out there?

I thank Hashem every day for the wonderful people in my life. B"H I have wonderful friends who are really supportive and treat me like one of them and wonderful families who care about me as if I were there daughter. I have loving parents who genuinely care about me. My heart aches and my eyes tear when I think of the pain that they suffer and the length they go to shield from me for the very fact that I’m not married. I know how much it hurts them and I only wish I could just make it right. I know so many people don't have what I have but I just want him to come share all the beauty that exists in my life with me; To share my dreams, my love and compassion for people and of course to follow and live by the Torah and emulate His ways.

I daven to Hashem to give me the strength to persevere; To live life to its fullest and bring me one step closer every day to meeting my one true bashert.