Welcome to the Holy Land

IY"H I will be arriving in Israel in time for Purim. Tears of joy continue to come to my eyes every time I think about being there. Shockingly, I have not been back to the holy land in approximately 4 years (yes, 4 years) numerous things had come up that did not allow me to get there but I'm going now and I cannot wait to be there. To see many rebbeim who I have formed such close ksharim with over my 2 years of learning and to see my family who I miss dearly.

As far as family goes, I have 2 brothers one with 5 nieces and 1 nephew there. It's so hard to be away from them, knowing that they are all growing up so fast. My heart is literally bursting with joy, knowing that I will be with them soon and see all their sweet smiles.

I'm only scared, I'm not going to want to leave.....maybe it's a sign....

Camp SOY 2006

The Seforim Sale is back in full swing! I tried to stay away but just realized how much I mised it or maybe it's the lack of excitment that is occupying my life at this time that I feel the need to latch on to something. I enjoy the thrill and most importantly the power. No, I'm not that power hungry type that feels the need to put people down to make themselves look better. It's the power of knowledge that I'm enjoying. It's knowing which seforim we have and don't have and which ones would suit the needs of a customer etc...I think it comes from a love of pleasing people, but it's really enjoyable.

One thing I am noticing is my undying love for seforim. Some people have their obsessions about girls/boys and me -- well my disease lies in the fact that I love seforim. Most people say it's a good thing and I don't thin it's entirely bad, although I think I will go WAY overboard at some point.Hopefully it'll make my husband happy someday -- that we actually own a nice libary!

Anyway, Shabbos is coming!! Time for some rest!

Ethical Dilemmas

I attended a meeting today for my entire department. We discussed the touchy subject of what to do with students who have learning disabilities. The session was given by the Dean of a medical school. He went through various issues and attempted at providing solutions to them. But all I kept hearing is that each academic insitution is faced with the challange of where do you draw the line. When do you say 'no, you can't do it'. You don't want to discourage students and you don't want to lose all credibility by letting all hell break loose but I wonder what do you tell the aspiring doctor or lawyer who is dislexic or learning disbaled (they need time and a half or double time on exams etc.) that you just won't make it. How can you squash someone's dreams?

The other side of me says, well, how can you let these people be doctors if they cannot be counted on to appropriately diagnose a patient in a short amount of time. And if they have failed too many exams or what not, does it mean they are challanged or do they simply not know the information?

I realized all too clearly the harshness of the world we live in. I don't blame academics, after all we're dealing with the lives of the many citzens of the world but at the same time it's just to harsh for me to envision sitting a student down and telling them they can't make it. Their poor fragile ego... I can't imagine being told that. I feel like everyone deserves a chance but everyone as to proove themselves. There can be compromises made but at the end of the day there has to be a standard.

I just hope I never have to squash someone's life long dreams...

Flowers Aren't Enough

Last night, I attended an all women's performance titled, "Flowers Aren't Enough". It is a one man show performed by a women named Naomi Ackerman. The story is of a women who suffered through an abusive relationship. It started off as verbal abuse and only escalated to full blown physical abuse. Naomi really gets into the charachter and alows you to fully comprehend the experience of an abusive relationship.

I can't say I enjoyed it, as it reminded me all too clearly of boys I've dated and friends of mine that are married to such individuals. Lucky for me, I was able to save myself but my heart aches for my best friend. I don't know for sure if she's in such a relationship and I daven everyday that she is safe but unfortunately, the time-line of events has only pointed the finger that her husband is an abusive individual.

As I watched the show and listened to the questions and answers given during the Q&A session, all I wanted to know was how do you tell someone that you think they are in such a relationship. You don't want to hurt them, especially if you're wrong but at the same time you want them to know that you're there for them and you care for them. Unfortunately in our society, people are all too quick to shove things under the rug, rather than to approach things head on. I just don't want to be that person when the truth does come out, that failed her friend and didn't save her. It just makes me feel like a coward and maybe I am one but I don't know the right solution.

I only daven that she and her baby are safe and that these are all simply terrible thoughts and that they are all wrong and she truly is happy and content with her life.

And Just How Frum are You?

After chatting it up with one of my roommates, I've decided that life is just so backwards. I could try to think pure thoughts, especially while dating but if the guy is thinking inappropriate thoughts...well then, all mine go to waste (seemingly, at least). My roommate was trying to make me believe that guys are simply animals with one thing on their mind and that girls are not really all that much different. I believe it, I really do but I wonder about how weird I really am, if I'm not thinking like these people. Does it drift through my mind at some point? Sure...but not at this incredible intensity that my roommate had painted for me. I've never felt so alone in a way of thinking...but maybe I am one of a few who really think in a pure manner (no, that was not to pat myself on the back).

I think what bothers me most is simply that we are taught to be of pure mind and that so many of us fail. It's not something were taught once or twice but something we're probably taught EVERY DAY! I always wonder what Hashem is thinking...A)"I know, it's so hard and you're doing great, just keep working at it" or B)"You bunch of sickos!". At the end of the day...I have no idea (obviously) but I hope that others have ingrained (and if they haven't, will ingrain) these lessons into their lives.

Happy and Sad Boiled Into One

Shabbos always comes to me with a mix of emotions. I have this all encompassing feeling that this is the day of rest and I am serving Hashem as He has commanded us. I finally have the opportunity to daven peacefully with a minyan (no, I'm not a femnazi...I just enjoy the shul experience) spend the day with special people (Roshei Yeshiva families, friends and what not) etc.

Yet, inevitably I am mixed with sorrow over the very fact I'm not married. I wish I could bring guests home to my house for a warm, delicious meal and inspire people with Torah the way I'm inspired every shabbos. I would love to watch my husband quiz my children about the parsha and anything else they learnt in school, share inspiring stories with our guests and have them share their life experiences with us. I just wish I could share these special moments filled with warmth and love for Torah and Hakodosh Baruch Hu on His special day. Unfortunately, all I can do is wait for that time to come. Sadly, I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Sounds depressing, I know. Not that it isn't but it's incredible to me that this feeling only comes to me on Shabbos. I don't know if it's where I generally stay for Shabbos or simply the onset of Shabbos.

I guess I just envision the ultimate serving of Hashem with your family and guests around. Unfortunately, I don't see being single as the way to go. I know, I know Hashem wanted it this way now etc etc but I'm SO ready to move on and I get this way every shabbos. At least during the week, these thoughts are more dulled. Maybe because shabbos is the only time I simply have the chance to even think about my singlehood, or anything for that matter...

Ugly Duckling

SO, it's possible I'm harping on this subject but I just heard about a guy who didn't want to go out with me because I'm ugly. I never thought I was Miss hot stuff, but I also never realized that I was so hideous. Maybe because this all happened in the span of a week that I'm feeling like this...but man oh man... I need to get out of this funk, that's for sure...

Maybe

So, I'v been dating now for close to 5 years (phew, long time...all suggestions are accepted)and I can't help but wonder if I'm looking for the wrong thing. I tell people I want someone 'yeshivish' but maybe that's not what I need. Maybe I'm just becoming impatient. And maybe there are just so many unknowns I just don't know anything anymore! I'm slowly feeling more and more lost. Without a career direction, a marriage partner or anything I feel like one big (fat) question mark! Oh and by the way...this week I'm back to dental school. I feel like I just need one person to come over to me and say...don't worry you're doing and looking for the right thing. Maybe that will cure all anxiety (ya, right).