Happy and Sad Boiled Into One

Shabbos always comes to me with a mix of emotions. I have this all encompassing feeling that this is the day of rest and I am serving Hashem as He has commanded us. I finally have the opportunity to daven peacefully with a minyan (no, I'm not a femnazi...I just enjoy the shul experience) spend the day with special people (Roshei Yeshiva families, friends and what not) etc.

Yet, inevitably I am mixed with sorrow over the very fact I'm not married. I wish I could bring guests home to my house for a warm, delicious meal and inspire people with Torah the way I'm inspired every shabbos. I would love to watch my husband quiz my children about the parsha and anything else they learnt in school, share inspiring stories with our guests and have them share their life experiences with us. I just wish I could share these special moments filled with warmth and love for Torah and Hakodosh Baruch Hu on His special day. Unfortunately, all I can do is wait for that time to come. Sadly, I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Sounds depressing, I know. Not that it isn't but it's incredible to me that this feeling only comes to me on Shabbos. I don't know if it's where I generally stay for Shabbos or simply the onset of Shabbos.

I guess I just envision the ultimate serving of Hashem with your family and guests around. Unfortunately, I don't see being single as the way to go. I know, I know Hashem wanted it this way now etc etc but I'm SO ready to move on and I get this way every shabbos. At least during the week, these thoughts are more dulled. Maybe because shabbos is the only time I simply have the chance to even think about my singlehood, or anything for that matter...