Why do bad things happen to good people?

I'm sorry for being so late with this post...I forget about all the readers I have! (Not that I don't care about you but because when I write these things, I feel like I'm writing to myself, but anyway...)

Rosh Hashana was a powerful experience. I think this is one of the few times I actually realized -- 'Anochi Afar V'afer'. Obviously I have always known this as an intellectual concept. I've known it for a long time but to really feel it and believe it...I don't know that I can say that I really understand that phrase. The Ba'al Tefillah (both days) really moved me to tears (yes, literal ones). No, they weren't tears about me and my own hardships, although it was a part of it but they were tears remembering all the hardships that my friends are facing. My friend's husband who is in the hospital, other friends who are suffering chronic diseases, friends that are divorced, my older (Relax, I mean older than me) friends who aren't married etc... I truly wonder why bad things happen to good people. So many of these people who have been affected by these hardships, I find are the people who simply want to do good for others. I know all the standard responses...I don't need to go into them but I find it so hard to accept sometimes. I also just heard a shiur on loving and fearing G-d -- but I feel so hindered. I want so badly to love him more and more, but it's so hard to love someone when you don't feel like you're getting anything back. In addition, it’s so hard to love someone when you feel as if the tools you need to love him to the best of your ability are not given to you. I just felt like a piece of nothing, in a large world, where we are completely powerless to the one above...I guess that's also the point of Rosh Hashana...so not such a bad thing....

I saw a cute poem that illustrated this point:

Dear God,
I'm writing to say I'm sorry
For being angry yesterday
When you seemed to ignore my prayer
And things didn't go my way

First, my car broke down
I was very late for work
But I missed that awful accident
Was that your handiwork?

I found a house I loved
But others got there first
I was angry, then relieved
When I heard the pipes had burst!

Yesterday, I found the perfect dress
But the color was too pale
Today, I found the dress in red
Would you believe, it was on sale!

I know you're watching over me
And I'm feeling truly blessed
For no matter what I pray for
You always know what's best!

I truly believe that Hashem does know what's best...I just daven for the ability to one day understand his ways...

Crunch Time

Selichos time is here again...and I find myself davening to Hashem, begging for his forgiveness, begging that this year will be a different year. Looking back, on this past year, there is so much to be thankful for but on the flip side, there was so much pain. I have too many friends who have gone through terrible hardships, and as time goes on, I only hear more. Knowing that this was all decided last Rosh Hashana is frightening. No one davened for these terrible things to happen and I only assume these people davened with a full heart...what can we do to change their/our judgment!? Ya, I know the standard answers...daven, do mitzvos etc...but at the end of the day, all we have left is bitachon in Hakadosh Baruch Hu, that everything happens for the right reasons etc... I just find that sometimes, it's so hard to see that. When you're caught in the moment, and nothing seems to be going right in your life, you just want to say huh? What did I not do enough of this time? etc... You might even see yourself looking around at others and wondering, why it seems that their lives are fine, and are moving on, and you seem to be stuck in your own personal predicament. Whether it may be that you’re single and STILL looking for the one or your husband is stuck in the hospital with a terminal illness, each are VERY different in nature, but at the end of the day they are painful in their own right.

I mentioned in an earlier post, that it's been a difficult month as far as my spiritual growth. Funny, someone told me the other night that I was an inspiration to them. I wanted to start laughing and tell her, are you kidding? Me? I find myself going through all the motions and feeling nothing, and I’m the inspiration? I've been feeling a bit more with selichos now in full swing, but it's just not the regular me.

I heard a beautiful mashal quoted from the Shem Mishmuel by one of the YU Roshei Yeshiva. The mashal he brings down is of a community who told it's members that in order to remain a member, they must submit the sum of $10,000 by the end of the year. $10,000? That's an absurd amount of money, but everyone loved their shul and wanted very much to be a part of it. So one particular family created a bowl in their home and every day they would add just a little bit more to the bowl. Some days it was $20, other days it was 50 cents and others days it was even nothing. Sometimes, days would go by without contributing anything! A the end of the year they sat down to count their money. They saw that their daily contributions added up to the right amount! We look at the money as mitzvos. Every day should be seen as a new opportunity to add more 'money' to the bowl. Some days we may not put any in, other days we will be contributing a lot. But at the end of the day, we have to see that we are doing more good than bad. We all make mistakes. When Hashem punishes us, he's not throwing us away, so that we will be shattered and destroyed, rather he's giving us a gentle push, so that we should come back anew.

This mashal gave me so much hope, that really, I'm not that bad. I admit that I do not on any level understand Hashem's ways. I may try to understand but at the end of the day, I have no idea what he has in mind. I daven that Hashem bring me some clarity, whereby one day I will be able to see his ways and see that they really all make up a beautiful tapestry. I also daven for all those that have had their fair share of pain this year, whether it be sickness, losing friends, or any other stresses, May Hashem bless each and every one of you with a year filled with Bracha and Happiness. May it be a year of rebuilding and growth in Torah and Mitzvoth and may we be zoche to see the coming of Mashiach, G-d willing this year!

Losing a Friend

It's been about a year since I lost my best friend. We were the crazy girls who were attached at the hip. We literally did everything together. We were in high school when we met. I befriended her and because she was from out of town, I brought her home with me almost every day. She was a part of my family. When she was dating her now husband, she didn't tell me till a week before she got engaged. I was shocked and hurt. She got married. I tried to keep in touch but she never returned my calls. So, I stopped. She has a beautiful daughter and she didn't even invite me over to come see her. I saw her recently at a wedding and she just didn't look happy. I know my friend, inside and out and she just didn't have that shine that I know she has.

I sit here, missing her. I miss all the times that we had and all that we shared. The laughter and the tears. I wish her well and I daven that she is happy. I hope that one day we will be able to reconnect but for now, this is the way she wanted things, so I let it be. I wish her luck in everything in her life, and I pray that Hashem shine upon her.

There have been other friends like her that I have lost, some more recent than others. I know that it's a part of life but it's sad especially when you lose them unwillingly. You sit and wonder if they miss you as much as you miss them and if they care about the fact that you've lost touch. For many I will never know the answer and I only hope that maybe some day we will reunite.

As this is a special time of year, where we should reflect on our wrongdoings, I miss my friends that made this time of year meaningful. I miss the ones that charged me full of spiritual energy and helped me prepare for this time of year. Maybe, because so many of those friends are married, moved away and what not, I feel somewhat lonely and disconnected from that spiritual energy.

I hope that my situation shapes up in the next 2 weeks. If I have to enter Yom Hadin in this state...I'll be quite nervous about my blessings for this upcoming year….

K'siva V'chasima Tova to all!

Labor Day

First of all, an apology to everyone about the previous post and my opinions about my dating life but you know what? I'm soooooooooooooooo HAPPY!! I'm not worried or thinking about it anymore etc... Life's great! In addition, my post was in no way meant to offend anyone. It was simply an expression of my feelings and nothing more. Anyway, I've never really blogged in the company of others. I usually do it in a more private setting but here goes nothing!

So this weekend was nice. I got some nice outfits ready for the high holidays. Although, I just found out that my parents are probably coming to NY. I REALLY don't want to daven by my sister. I don't like the shul etc... I love my shul and feel much more at home there. Do I stand up to my parents and tell them I care more about my own personal davening than spending yom tov with them? It sounds mean and selfish but if I'm praying for my life well....I would like to spend it where I am most comfortable. I'm simply torn. I also don't want to spend the whole yom tov feeling guilty that I'm not there with them especially since I don't see my parents as often since we live far away from each other. I'll discuss it with my parents and see what they say. I didn't go home last year, even though the rest of my family went. Wish me luck.

I'm nervous for work tomorrow. I have about a month to withstand my boss' slowness. It'll be fine and I'll be fine. I just need to get through it.

In addition, Elul is here...how unprepared I am...I better get moving but for some weird reason, I don't feel particularly motivated. I feel as if I'm going through the various motions that I should be...the davening, learning etc...but I don't feel spiritually moved. I'm feeling spiritually empty in fact. I don't know what to do...any advice will be greatly appreciated!

Since I'm borrowing someone's computer I'm cutting this somewhat short. To be continued...