Crunch Time

Selichos time is here again...and I find myself davening to Hashem, begging for his forgiveness, begging that this year will be a different year. Looking back, on this past year, there is so much to be thankful for but on the flip side, there was so much pain. I have too many friends who have gone through terrible hardships, and as time goes on, I only hear more. Knowing that this was all decided last Rosh Hashana is frightening. No one davened for these terrible things to happen and I only assume these people davened with a full heart...what can we do to change their/our judgment!? Ya, I know the standard answers...daven, do mitzvos etc...but at the end of the day, all we have left is bitachon in Hakadosh Baruch Hu, that everything happens for the right reasons etc... I just find that sometimes, it's so hard to see that. When you're caught in the moment, and nothing seems to be going right in your life, you just want to say huh? What did I not do enough of this time? etc... You might even see yourself looking around at others and wondering, why it seems that their lives are fine, and are moving on, and you seem to be stuck in your own personal predicament. Whether it may be that you’re single and STILL looking for the one or your husband is stuck in the hospital with a terminal illness, each are VERY different in nature, but at the end of the day they are painful in their own right.

I mentioned in an earlier post, that it's been a difficult month as far as my spiritual growth. Funny, someone told me the other night that I was an inspiration to them. I wanted to start laughing and tell her, are you kidding? Me? I find myself going through all the motions and feeling nothing, and I’m the inspiration? I've been feeling a bit more with selichos now in full swing, but it's just not the regular me.

I heard a beautiful mashal quoted from the Shem Mishmuel by one of the YU Roshei Yeshiva. The mashal he brings down is of a community who told it's members that in order to remain a member, they must submit the sum of $10,000 by the end of the year. $10,000? That's an absurd amount of money, but everyone loved their shul and wanted very much to be a part of it. So one particular family created a bowl in their home and every day they would add just a little bit more to the bowl. Some days it was $20, other days it was 50 cents and others days it was even nothing. Sometimes, days would go by without contributing anything! A the end of the year they sat down to count their money. They saw that their daily contributions added up to the right amount! We look at the money as mitzvos. Every day should be seen as a new opportunity to add more 'money' to the bowl. Some days we may not put any in, other days we will be contributing a lot. But at the end of the day, we have to see that we are doing more good than bad. We all make mistakes. When Hashem punishes us, he's not throwing us away, so that we will be shattered and destroyed, rather he's giving us a gentle push, so that we should come back anew.

This mashal gave me so much hope, that really, I'm not that bad. I admit that I do not on any level understand Hashem's ways. I may try to understand but at the end of the day, I have no idea what he has in mind. I daven that Hashem bring me some clarity, whereby one day I will be able to see his ways and see that they really all make up a beautiful tapestry. I also daven for all those that have had their fair share of pain this year, whether it be sickness, losing friends, or any other stresses, May Hashem bless each and every one of you with a year filled with Bracha and Happiness. May it be a year of rebuilding and growth in Torah and Mitzvoth and may we be zoche to see the coming of Mashiach, G-d willing this year!