Movin' on out!

Whoa...I’m absolutely exhausted. I'm so physically drained that my whole body hurts. I'm sitting at work (my last day!!!!!! YAY!) and I can hardly move! But wow....I have a lot to say:

1) Thank you SOOOOOOOOO.....much to all my wonderful friends who really gave me SO much of their time to help make my move (from apt A to apt B) a success. I really could NOT have done it without all of you. I know you're going to kill me, but get ready for some cake later today ;-).

2) Today is my last day at one job (I start a new job on Monday) but I'm SOOOO happy and thankful! It's been a long and difficult year. I only hope that this coming year will be filled with pleasantness! I look forward to smiling and being happy to come to work!

3) Its the summer time and so many people I hold so dear are leaving. But at the same token...school's out...no boys all over the place. I can actually walk out of my apartment and not be cowering in the shadows! Hehehe...a few weeks of this should do.

4) Sunday and Tuesday: un-packing days...my apartment is FLYING! ahhhhh!

Thank you again to all. I'll write a more concrete post soon. Just wanted to update everyone on my psycho life!

Have an AMAZING shabbos!!!

Running to the Finish Line

I attended a wedding last night. It was extremely beautiful. The kallah’s dress, the guests, the food, the flowers…everything was pristine. The leibidk dancing gave the entire wedding an incredible spirit. But I sat staring at the chuppah...longingly, and thinking: 'you know, this is never going to happen to me'. I know, I know most of you reading this are probably going crazy and saying, what's wrong with you! It's not the right time...blah blah blah blah. But truth is the more time goes on, the more the actual idea becomes more foreign. I want to get married so badly, to that special someone, where we could build a life of Torah and yiras shamayim. I dream night and day about meeting him, about finally settling down in Eretz Yisrael, our one true home. The more difficult dating becomes the more I think it's never going to happen to me. I try with all my heart to be positive. I really do. I try not to talk about it or become obsessed but the truth is, I am obsessed. I want it to just be already and if it's not going to be, just tell me so I can begin the journey to accepting that.

I just want to give to that special someone. I want to give him EVERYTHING I have. I want to experience the challenge of raising a family, of making them into the best Jews possible. To teach them everything I have learnt till now and what I will continue to learn.

Truth, I don't think I ever dreamt that I would be this old and unmarried. Never in a million years. I look at people older than me and I'm so scared. I look at them and say, that's going to be me. I just know it.

I know, stop being such a pessimist. You know something, it is darn hard. I look around at all my wonderful friends, new and old and you know something? 95% are ALL married. I sat at this wedding at a table full of what!? MARRIED COUPLES! I love every single one of them but it's become pathetic. Someone even made a joke, that I'm everyone's daughter/stepchild. It's sweet but I'm still the odd one out.

I keep in perspective that there are FAR greater tzaros in this world, one's that I unfortunately, have been so privy to in the past few months. Not being married is not per say a tza'ar. It's hard but I'm not dying, chas v'shalom. B"H I have my health and so much more. I involve myself in everything around me. I use my singleness (if that's a word) to help others and take advantage of opportunities that are given to me. But at some point it becomes: 'enough! What about me!??!’ When do I get to do these beautiful things for me, for my husband, for my family?

I truly am happy for those around me that continue to get married, I really am. Sometimes it's harder to see but I just keep on running and attempting to make it to the finish line. It's so far, and I'm so clearly out of shape. Will I ever make it!?

I'm just THAT much better than you!

This past weekend was my nephews Bar Mitzvah. It really was a beautiful simcha. With most of my family together, it really made the entire event so special. I missed the ones that weren't there but such is life and we hope to see them at the next one.

My sister lives in a certain yeshivish community. Over the weekend, I noticed something interesting; People often try to push their own sensitivities on you. Why is that? One of my brothers, far more charedi than anyone any of you have probably met, never acts in that manner. He accepts everyone for who they are, and teaches simply by example. Other's say 'well, you know you shouldn't be doing that'. No offense, but who are you!? You're not g-d and you're not holier than thou'.

My theory on this whole issue is that the people that attempt at pushing their sensitivies on you, are not comfortable with who THEY are. If you're not comfortable with your own level, you feel the need to get the 'one up' on someone.

I'm not perfect in this area, and sometimes, I may tell people, 'well, I do this...' but I certainly make effort not to discuss my religous preferences with those I think may not understand. Why make people feel bad? People have the ability to make their own choices. You're not anyone else's mashgiach but you're own.

I Lost One

Yesterday, I bumped into someone I used to be friendly with in college in my student council days. We were always religously VERY different (he more modern, me on the yeshivish side of things) and as time moved on, we grew apart. I would bump into him every now and then, chat it up and see how life was but that would be it. He was always struggling to get into medical school and well last night he told me that he got in. I was so proud.

I was sad, because since college, his religous level continued to decline. And well, he barely keeps shabbos these days. My heart aches when I see him and I can't help but wonder, if I could have helped him. What hurts more is that he's such a good person with a good heart and he's just been hurt so badly (different relationships he's had with girls which I had set him up back in the college days) that unfortunately he attributes all the negative things in his life as G-d's fault, rather than as a test or a gift from Hashem that we may not understand.

I haven't stopped thinking about him all day. I daven that Hashem should save him. I hope he fulfills his dream in life of becomming the doctor he's always wanted to be, and maybe, just maybe he will return to Hashem.

A Tragedy

I'm not exactly sure where to begin with this post. What I'm about to write is going to be so difficult to get out, so it might take some time.

My best friend lost her first child in labor about 4 days ago. I know we hear of many tradgedies, but I feel as I have probably been hit with the worst. I spent the day with her in the hospital, while her husband went home to get some rest after not sleeping for the last few days. Most of the day was fine. Her sisters and parents came by etc.

But when everyone left and we were alone and had girlfriend talk, everything came out. We cried together for almost three hours. Crying about the dreams that have been completely shattered, literally, right out of her arms. She told me how she held the baby after he had died and all she wanted to do was to hold onto him forever. How all she wants is to be a mother.

This put everything in my life into perspective. I can't imagine complaining about petty things, after being involved with a tradgedy like this. Dating is hard? ok maybe. I dream of a life together with somene etc...Losing a child is having all those same dreams, taken away from you, forever.

I thank Hashem she has an incredible husband and family who are all there for her. I thank Hashem for blessing me with such special people in my life. My friend continued to cry and told me how badly she didn't want to be jealous of other people's children and babies. She really just wanted her own. She doesn't want to go around thinking, "why them and not me?". I found it so amazing that in the midst of her own tradgedy, she was able to be focused and sensitive to others.

I was lucky enough to spend shabbos with wonderful families. One who I go to on a pretty much regular basis. They gave me the ability to snap back into reality and focus on the kedusha of shabbos. Something that usually comes more easily, where as this week it was a bit harder for me. For this, I thank them. For giving of themselves to me, week after week, an allowing me to share in their awesome experience of shabbos.

For some the story of my friend may seem obvious: This is the way Hashem wanted it. To most, we ask, how could he do this? I wish I was on such a level to say it was a gift from Hashem. Maybe this is his way of testing me, a pretty tough test at that.

I sit here with tears streaming down my face, partaking in my friend's pain. We may never understand Hashem's ways but we can daven that Hashem give her the complete strength to face life.

Chasdei Hashem

You know, I often get depressed or better yet...sidetracked about what Hashem's master plan is. I often wonder, well, what in the world could he possibly be waiting for? and more importantly, what about the less fortunate than I? The ones who are older and getting older and yet, have still not found their bashert? Well, today was a day filled with bracha. I heard of a simcha of a girl, 29 years old who B"H just became a kallah. I'm really filled with joy. She herself is an incredible individual and is deservant of the best husband. But more importantly, I sit here and think, there's hope yet...Hashem should grant each of us the proper chizuk to find our bashert's. In the right time, according to His plan.