Running to the Finish Line

I attended a wedding last night. It was extremely beautiful. The kallah’s dress, the guests, the food, the flowers…everything was pristine. The leibidk dancing gave the entire wedding an incredible spirit. But I sat staring at the chuppah...longingly, and thinking: 'you know, this is never going to happen to me'. I know, I know most of you reading this are probably going crazy and saying, what's wrong with you! It's not the right time...blah blah blah blah. But truth is the more time goes on, the more the actual idea becomes more foreign. I want to get married so badly, to that special someone, where we could build a life of Torah and yiras shamayim. I dream night and day about meeting him, about finally settling down in Eretz Yisrael, our one true home. The more difficult dating becomes the more I think it's never going to happen to me. I try with all my heart to be positive. I really do. I try not to talk about it or become obsessed but the truth is, I am obsessed. I want it to just be already and if it's not going to be, just tell me so I can begin the journey to accepting that.

I just want to give to that special someone. I want to give him EVERYTHING I have. I want to experience the challenge of raising a family, of making them into the best Jews possible. To teach them everything I have learnt till now and what I will continue to learn.

Truth, I don't think I ever dreamt that I would be this old and unmarried. Never in a million years. I look at people older than me and I'm so scared. I look at them and say, that's going to be me. I just know it.

I know, stop being such a pessimist. You know something, it is darn hard. I look around at all my wonderful friends, new and old and you know something? 95% are ALL married. I sat at this wedding at a table full of what!? MARRIED COUPLES! I love every single one of them but it's become pathetic. Someone even made a joke, that I'm everyone's daughter/stepchild. It's sweet but I'm still the odd one out.

I keep in perspective that there are FAR greater tzaros in this world, one's that I unfortunately, have been so privy to in the past few months. Not being married is not per say a tza'ar. It's hard but I'm not dying, chas v'shalom. B"H I have my health and so much more. I involve myself in everything around me. I use my singleness (if that's a word) to help others and take advantage of opportunities that are given to me. But at some point it becomes: 'enough! What about me!??!’ When do I get to do these beautiful things for me, for my husband, for my family?

I truly am happy for those around me that continue to get married, I really am. Sometimes it's harder to see but I just keep on running and attempting to make it to the finish line. It's so far, and I'm so clearly out of shape. Will I ever make it!?