Weekly thoughts
You mess up once...you become tainted for life. I find this so anti-teshuva. People make mistakes, and should be given the opportunity to repent. I was at a friend's apartment. She and her husband were watching TV. I sat down for a little because I didn't want to be rude and just come for what I was coming for and leave, especially in light of the fact that they are moving in a couple of days across the country. So I watched TV for an hour. Does that automatically make me not frum and completely unworthy of marrying someone yeshivish? If that's so...well, I better just give it all up now. I have made MANY mistakes and I'm sure I will continue to do so. It is not a norm for me, but it has happened. I try to be as careful as possible but sometimes we slip. This is not only in reference to TV but anything else in the same category. I know, I should never compromise on frummkeit and I generally don't as it is the most important thing in my life - but we all mess up and it's perfectly normal. If I didn't mess up, then I don't think I would be human. In addition...when does 'I messed up' stop being the valid 'excuse'? B”H I have friends from all different walks and levels of yiddishkeit. Should I stop being their friend because I’m not strong enough to control myself? I think I generally am a strong person but sometimes I’m just not strong enough…is that a crime?
On a separate note...dating...ya, I think I'm slowly resigning to the fact that I'm never getting married. I think I'll feel better with this mindset. I won't work so hard at it anymore and I won't feel bad for myself when it doesn't happen and if it does...well it's a great bonus. I dream of wanting to be a rebbetzin (don't laugh), of being the person in a community where people seek my advice etc...It's been a dream of mine for quite some time -- but it can only happen through marriage. Unfortunately, in our society it doesn't exist otherwise. So, I've shattered other life dreams and have gotten over it...what's one more?! I just long not to be envious of others' and their beautiful marriages. I just want to be happy. I don't want to look at my friends' wistfully and wonder if it will happen to me. I wish I was a better person and able to think...all in the right time, according to his plan. I know it and believe it -- but sadly, it doesn't cure my aching heart.
This shabbos was incredibly beautiful. It was so nice for the local to yeshiva to start up again. All the boys have returned and davening was so spiritually uplifting. Seeing the Rabbis that I have become so close with was incredible. I miss their kedusha. They make me anticipate every shabbos through out the week. I can't wait for their daughters to come back from the holy land, so I can spend shabbos at their homes again. Hashem should bless each one of them and their families for the happiness that they bring to everyone they touch.
posted by Inmymind @ 12:00 AM
10 Comments:
you're 24, not 54. If everybody decided at 24 to give up, there'd be a lot of lonely people out there. When did 24 become the age of being an "old maid"? just because some other people happen to get married at an age that is a year or even four years younger doesn't make you old - it makes them young. who knows, they could've just settled for somebody who isn't right for them for fear of not getting married... talk to those 24 year old girls (yes girls) who at 20 made that kind of decision, and you'll be very happy that you didn't.
It's hard to listen to people say that it will get better when there seems to be absolutely nobody in the world who will want to marry you (and whom you will also want to marry). the most annoying thing to hear is that "he's out there," because to you, right now, you don't see him. but don't write yourself off - being someach b'chelko means being happy with where you're at right now at this exact moment. it doesn't mean to stop striving for more.
You're right that 24 is not old but it is when ALL your other friends are married. I'm not saying most, I'm saying all. I have a handful of non-married ones, yes, even older than I but I see that they are in just as much pain as I am in. The point of my statement was simply, that I don't want to be in pain anymore. I just want to be happy and marriage is not the only way to happiness because like you said, there is so much more to be happy about right now. My attitude is not, 'oh, I give up' -- I just give up trying. It pains me too much and I'm just tired of it. If it happens -- great -- it's an incredible bonus and if it doesn't happen, well there is so much more to be happy about. Believe me, I know what it means to not marry just for the sake of it. I could have been married many times over -- but they were just not right for me and I thank Hashem every day that I didn't marry them -- I KNOW I would have been unhappy. I just want to stop thinking about it. i'm just tired. Maybe I'm not destined to get married till I'm 40 -- if that's so, why am I so worked up about it now. I'd rather enjoy life and be happy. I did all the hishtadlus possible. I'm not not going on dates -- I'm just not chasing after them. If they want to date me great and if they don't also great. I'm just tired of being proactive.
Anonymous, I hope that our searches come to an end VERY soon, so that we too can build beautiful families. I still daven for it but I'm not chasing these boys anymore.
I hear you and understand, but just one point: if you're not going to put in hishtadlus, you might as well stop davening as well. it's very clear in halacha and hashkafa, that davening alone does not bring about changes.
Anonymous, I did all the hishtadlus I can. If I would ask a shaila...I'm SURE that I have gone above and beyond...davening is for me, it's personal but it's certainly not as vulnerable as telling a Rosh Yeshiva you need to find a husband.
Boohoo. Stop whining. My sister was 26 when she got married, and she was dating as long as you if not longer. I say this for your own good: this is just pitiful. You can't find what you want in a short amount of time and so you give up? I expect much more of you. In fact, change your blogger password b/c it can't have been you who wrote that post.
And I fail to see how you "messed up." First you say that if watching 5 minutes of TV defines you as not frum then you're in trouble; implying that you don't think watching 5 minutes of Tv makes you not frum. Then you say how it was such a mistake...bla bla bla. You don't believe you should have a TV, fine, but to think less of yourself for WATCHING FOR FIVE MINUTES?? You're simply being ridiculous here.
Never live life regretting things. Even when I've made mistakes, I never regret them, I just accept them as an educational experience. How can you expect to grow if instead of realizing why you made the mistake you just wish you hadn't made it.
Sorry for being so harsh but, as I said, I just expect much more from you.
So first of all, dudie, that was said very well.
Let it be noted that while I have had much to say to Inmymind, I have not been able to get it together enough to put it down in black and white until now. Even with all of the yelling and profanity that I shared with you ( and Tracy and "Crazy Man") I am not sure I fully conveyed how I really feel on this matter.
We all go through tough times in life. Some tougher than others. What would happen if every time someone went through a tough time they gave up? Where would the world be?
I am not trying to compare myself to you, and I know what you are going through must be hard. Can you please explain to me what giving up is going to get you?
I hope it is something you have thought about. It surely is something I have. The day that I give up, will mean no more injections, medications, hospital visits and surgeries. It means I won't have to fight. It means I won't have to worry about not being able to hold a pen or remember words any more. It means I will finally be able to rest. But as you know , giving up also means never graduating college, never getting married and never having a family?
I have pproably said a thousand times in my life that Hashem only is gives us that which we can handle. He is the best teacher we will ever have and challenges us right to our breaking point. I still believe this will all of my heart. Inmymind, you just have to have faith in Hashem that he has a plan for you. And just like everybody else's plan it envloves you finding your zivug... you just have to have a little patience on the way.
Dudie: 1) NO ONE can tell me how to feel. I'm me and no one else is. There are people that were 40 and got married for the first time then etc... There is much worse and I know that. I'm not giving up on dating...I'm giving up trying. I know the way I feel and the way I react and I can't handle it anymore. For the past week, since I made my decision, I finally feel liberated! I'm actually back to setting others up...Isn't that what everyone wanted from me!? I know that people will set me up...I WILL 1000% go on the date. I'm just not chasing so and so to set me up with guys. I'm finished. I did my part.
2) TV is something that I am very much against. In addition, I think it's wrong to expect someone who doesn't watch TV etc if I'm doing it -- even if it's for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm not frum but I know that I wasn’t strong enough. I should have just told my friends that I had to go, like I always do.
3) Regret often times bring one to Teshuva. How can I repent, if I don't think about what I did!? I don't have to hold it to my heart forever but I do regret things that I have done and I look forward to having the chance to do it right the next time around. So, I think and reflect on it and hope I will be better.
fromsc2ny: I know that you are hurt about what I wrote but what I wrote was not me giving up on life. I had to give up on making myself sick with depression that I wasn't married. There are so many other wonderful and beautiful things out in the world to enjoy and take part it, I want to do it with joy and without envy of others. I know and believe that Hashem gives us only what we can handle and I know I can handle this but I also know that I needed a new tactic. I know that what you're going through is terrible and I daven that Hashem should send you a refuah but we are going through VERY different situations. B"H mine is not life threatening but I was jeopardizing my happiness by working so hard on shaddchanim to set me up. I just can't do it anymore. I feel defeated and that I'm fighting a losing battle. Like I said before, if Hashem chooses to keep me single until I'm 40 -- why am I going crazy now...I have SO much time! I daven that it should happen soon and if it doesn't happen, my life has not ended.
A few things.... first of all, finding our other half is a huge part of life. When I first found out that I was sick I asked a shailah if I should continue dating and was told that it was not even a question. We are put here on this Earth, in part, to find our other half.
You cannot understand how much it saddens me to watch you battle with this. I cried for hours the other night after you got the phone call that upset you so much. I do not want to see my friends hurting. I only want you to be happy. So I am happy to hear that you are not giving up on life, or dating or the thought of ever getting married.
Every time I comment on this particualar post I cry... so I am going to leave it for someone else. I love you. And daven that Hashem should answer all of your tefilos.
Setting people up eh?...ahem...hint hint.
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