Weekly thoughts
You mess up once...you become tainted for life. I find this so anti-teshuva. People make mistakes, and should be given the opportunity to repent. I was at a friend's apartment. She and her husband were watching TV. I sat down for a little because I didn't want to be rude and just come for what I was coming for and leave, especially in light of the fact that they are moving in a couple of days across the country. So I watched TV for an hour. Does that automatically make me not frum and completely unworthy of marrying someone yeshivish? If that's so...well, I better just give it all up now. I have made MANY mistakes and I'm sure I will continue to do so. It is not a norm for me, but it has happened. I try to be as careful as possible but sometimes we slip. This is not only in reference to TV but anything else in the same category. I know, I should never compromise on frummkeit and I generally don't as it is the most important thing in my life - but we all mess up and it's perfectly normal. If I didn't mess up, then I don't think I would be human. In addition...when does 'I messed up' stop being the valid 'excuse'? B”H I have friends from all different walks and levels of yiddishkeit. Should I stop being their friend because I’m not strong enough to control myself? I think I generally am a strong person but sometimes I’m just not strong enough…is that a crime?
On a separate note...dating...ya, I think I'm slowly resigning to the fact that I'm never getting married. I think I'll feel better with this mindset. I won't work so hard at it anymore and I won't feel bad for myself when it doesn't happen and if it does...well it's a great bonus. I dream of wanting to be a rebbetzin (don't laugh), of being the person in a community where people seek my advice etc...It's been a dream of mine for quite some time -- but it can only happen through marriage. Unfortunately, in our society it doesn't exist otherwise. So, I've shattered other life dreams and have gotten over it...what's one more?! I just long not to be envious of others' and their beautiful marriages. I just want to be happy. I don't want to look at my friends' wistfully and wonder if it will happen to me. I wish I was a better person and able to think...all in the right time, according to his plan. I know it and believe it -- but sadly, it doesn't cure my aching heart.
This shabbos was incredibly beautiful. It was so nice for the local to yeshiva to start up again. All the boys have returned and davening was so spiritually uplifting. Seeing the Rabbis that I have become so close with was incredible. I miss their kedusha. They make me anticipate every shabbos through out the week. I can't wait for their daughters to come back from the holy land, so I can spend shabbos at their homes again. Hashem should bless each one of them and their families for the happiness that they bring to everyone they touch.