Where oh, where can he be?

I debated a long time whether to bring up shidduchim on my blog. I've reffered to it before but I haven't talked about it in a while. I decided I wanted to share something pretty personal. I decided to share my deepest thoughts...

I went out with a guy 2 years ago we went on several dates and ended it because he refused to share a part of who he was with me. 2 years later, while I was in Israel he agreeded to meet me again. We met, and I saw that all the things I like about him then were still there but at the end of the date I knew nothing had changed from his side. I wrote a letter to him. I thought about sending it to him, but decided against it. What do you think?

Dear XXXX,

After davening through out yom tov, hoping that maybe this time Hashem will hear my aching heart and my heartfelt pleas, I truly wondered what Hashem desired of me. What is it that I need to do, in order to be zoche to meet the right one. I find that shidduchim was and continues to be a truly humbling experience. I know that with almost anything in life, one could work so hard to attain their desires. Whether it be a good grade, learning, or a job -- we know it's only attainable by asserting a certain amount of effort. It's true by shidduchim as well, that one should put in all the hishtadlus they possibly can...but I find that at the end of the day, we are completely at Hashem's mercy. Like you, I have shed many tears hoping that Hashem will one day hear my cry. With that, I wonder why Hashem has placed you into my life. Was there something I was supposed to learn? or was it simply Hashem 'teasing' me and telling me here is something you cannot have? I wonder....After we first went out, I allowed myself to somewhat forget about you. I didn't dwell on it or wonder what happened, after all I was still young and was not at the point of shedding tears over shidduchim even if I wanted it to happen. But as time went on, I thought more and more about you. I wondered where we went wrong and would it be possible to rectify our differences. I looked after your whereabouts to discover you were in Eretz Yisroel, learning. So, I forgot about you once again. I thought about you again, when I realized I would be coming to Eretz Yisroel. I decided 'hey, what do I have to lose?', as I was convinced that you would not agree. I figured that if you had all desired to rekindle anything you would have done what you needed to do. I was ever more convinced of your response when ZZZZ returned and told me that he had spoken to you (without my knowledge). So, when I received a response from Rav YYYY ( I sent the email while ZZZZ was Eretz Yisroel) I was completely shell shocked. I didn't know what to say or think. I was terrified of meeting you again! I tried to imagine what it would be like, what would I say etc...I sought out tremendous amounts of hadracha to prepare for the meeting. I was so nervous, I arrived at the date 45 minutes early!! All this time, I had so many questions...one's that I wanted to ask so badly just to cure my wondering soul. At least, even if it wouldn't work out, I would have some answers. But I followed the advice I was given and pushed my questions aside. We met, and the date went well despite my nervousness but I knew at the end of the date, that nothing had changed in your mind. That whatever bothered you 2 years ago, bothered you again. I wanted to know so badly what it was, to get the chance to talk about it or at the very least have something to give me some respite. When I received your response and that it came with no reason, I can't say I was surprised but I will tell you that I hung up the phone and cried uncontrollably in my sister-in-law's arms. I just wanted to know why? Why would Hashem do this to me? and more importantly, why would a kind boy such as yourself, want to hurt me? You are one of the kindest people I know, I couldn't imagine why you would want to torture my soul. I immediately assumed that you had no idea how much I hurt, otherwise you would have supplied some sort of reason. I cried for a good hour. I then departed to the kotel to cry some more, I returned home and cried with my brother hoping for some words of chizuk. For the remainder of the week, I davened to have a menuchas hanefesh, hoping that there would be some light on to the situation. I cried so much, at every thought about shidduchim, and even the small brochos I received from yerushalmi ladies wishing me to find my zivug soon and return to build a home in Eretz Yisroel. During that week, I thanked Hashem for allowing me to go through this tekufah while I was here in Eretz Yisroel, to be able to so close to my rebbeim, bothers and schinat Hashem to help me through. I found out through a friend that you said no, because I wasn't aidel, a VERY true statement. But I wonder why would you need to date me again if you knew this fact two years ago? on top of which, why would you need 4 hours to date me to realize this fact as well? Although, this very well might be the answer (that I'm not aidel), I truly believe that there is more here, something deeper. It is almost impossible to know someone's true self in a few short hours. I know for certain that you do not know me well. You may have a glimpse but I am sure that you do not know the whole me. Similarly, I don't know the whole you. Two individuals can only truly determine that they are not for each other, when giving each one the chance to know the other (Unless, there is no such chance of coming to a compromise). When searching for a shidduch, each party desires to have the other bring out certain cochos that they may posses. Although, we are thousands of miles away from eachother, I daven that Hashem give us a chance to show each other our true colors. Even if we were to end our separate ways, I believe that it would only be one step closer to finding our one true bashert. I get this sense that you are scared to let go. To let go of your inner self. I, too am scared. I'm terrified of being vulnerable but I realize that sometimes one must become vulnerable to achieve that which they most desire. I would be thrilled for you to reconsider but more importantly I desire a simple explanation of your reasons for your rejection. I write this letter as a last resort, my last hope of achieving some peace of mind and as a small taste of my vulnerability.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon,

IMM

I just wish this could all be removed from my brain, my heart, my soul.... Just peace of mind, why can't I just forget him???

Happy Birthday!

I returned from Pesach. It wasn't as bad as in previous years, but maybe it's because I became completely anti-social while down there. I think the only times I left my apartment during yom tov were to go to shul, which is in my building, not too far away. The only reason I was sad to leave is missing my mom. I miss having a mom close by to be there for you. I know she's always available for me but it's not the same as having her around. Besides, if you know my mom, she's just one of the coolest people you'll ever meet. More on her another time...

This past sunday was my English 24th birthday. I'll be celebrating my Hebrew birthday on friday IY"H.

I was reflecting during the day, that I obviously don't feel older, in fact I still feel like a kid but I know that in reality I'm no longer a kid but as time goes on, I'm becoming more and more of an adult. I miss the innocence of our childhood, where there were hardly any worries. It might sound childish but sometimes the going gets so tough you just want to sit down and finger paint and not have to worry about anything else.

Wishful thinking, huh?

Pesach Time is Here, Again...

Pesach comes to me with such a mix of emotions. It used to be my favorite holiday, when we spent it in the comfort of my home, with all memebers of my family gathered, the delicious yom tov food and the beautiful spring time weather.

Unfortunately, we started going away EVERY year and it's just not the same. Eventhough everyone is here, we now live in the center of hock, where every Jew has literally migrated to. I hate the fakeness that they bring -- the fact that their whole yom tov is based simply on how many outfits can they wear in a day etc... The lack of Tznius and the total disrespect for the chag is just so appaling in my eyes that I now detest the holiday.

I read a beautiful Dvar Torah by Rav Shimson Dovid Pinkus zt"l (yes, my not so secret obsession) where he basically talks about how much we have lost focus of the real purpose of Pesach. So many of us are SO obsessed with making sure every little thing is done in the most machmir of ways and yet, when it comes to yom tov, we forget to learn Torah which is really what this Chag is all about.

I hope that your chag is much nicer than mine, I'm sure I'll reflect more on my feelings post chag but till then Chag Kasher V'sameach!!

Venting Session

First things first. I'm going to give a shout out to my 2 good friends and faithful readers out in the holy land! Thanx for making my trip there the best and thanx for finally commenting on my blog!

On other news, life has been insane since I've come home. Interestingly enough, I've met with a Rosh Yeshiva, and 2 other shaddchanim but I have this wacky feeling that there just aren't any guys around. Every guy someone mentions, either won't say yes to me, isn't shayach or we've dated. I can't even say: "well, we'll wait for the new crop" because they'll be far too young! So...I'm a bit stuck. I'm considering going to Israel but who knows if that will actually materialize. I want to be sure I'm making the right decision via shidduchim. Life is so scary...

And then of course comes the whole yeshivish debate in my head...is it really that important and can I really not live without it. I want to get married so badly that I feel like I should start compromising, but why compromise on my account of not being happy??? It's such a crazy debate in my head....I just wish I knew what G-d wanted of me....

I wish things were in place for next year ie. a job, a place to live etc.... The whole thing is making me a bit nervous....

Oy!!!!!

P.S. my birthday is coming up...April 23...I will be the ripe old age of 24!