Happy Birthday!

Birthdays are a time of celebration; a time of joy where the ending of last year signifies a hopeful and promising beginning for next year, where dreams that somehow were forgotten will again have the chance to be realized and actualized. Yet, there is the point in one’s life when each successive year becomes a year wrought with uncertainty; where what was once a life filled with dreams and goals has now been replaced with anguish and insecurity; When the dreams of yesteryear, those that have yet to come true, continue to be the dreams of tomorrow and forever. So when that time of year swings around and you have now become one year older, there is the familiar ache in one’s heart and the same questions asked time and again, will this year be the year?

Every girl wishes to find that special someone in her life. To finally meet him, be swept off her feet and live finally, happily ever after just the way it always works out in books and movies. Prince Charming of course is the man you always dreamed of; tall, handsome, smart, ambitious, successful, kind, sweet, romantic….and the list is endless. In short – he’s perfect. But as each year ends and the new one begins, you have to wonder – will it ever happen?

So many of you are undoubtedly thinking – ‘Gosh, would you stop being so desperate? It’ll happen when it’s time for it to happen. Would you stop worrying so much already?’ I just can’t help but wonder about him. I think of ‘him’ day in and day out, week in and week out and wonder when will we finally be be granted permission to meet one another? When will we be able to then spend the rest of our lives together?

True I may be in for some surprises and I may not exactly be swept off my feet but I can hope for true love, can’t I? A love and respect for one another, a love for our eventual family together and a love of fulfilling the words of Hashem together on a daily basis. One can only hope for at least that….I think….I hope. So, maybe not all hope is lost…

Until that point, Happy Birthday to me at the ripe old age of 27 and may this year be the year!

It's been a while....

It's been almost a year since the last time I blogged but I felt like tonight would be a good night to write a little something.

So, what have I been up to, you ask? Well, I got a promotion last summer, making me the head of my department and amazingly enough it was a week before Rosh Hashanah and two weeks before this economic mess we're in. Amazing how Hashem has his ways. He made it work EXACTLY the way I needed it. So, not only did this rid me of my obnoxious, overbearing boss but it gave me the flexibility and power to move a department forward and allow me to continue to pursue my education just the way I want to.

As you know (or if you don't, now you do!) I have been pursuing my masters in Social Work. Not the field that I feel is my destiny in life but it's interesting, I'm enjoying it and I'm sure it will be handy at some point in life. I would eventually like to use it in the private practice sector, either counseling at risk teens or some type of family or marriage counseling. But we shall see. In any case, I have to complete two years of field placement as part of my master’s degree. Lucky enough, I was given a placement close to home and not too far from work AND one the that was flexible with my work schedule. I know, crazy amount of requests but it worked out so well, B"H. As a result of adding this field placement to my workload, I'm working REALLY hard and am actually going out of my mind since I now work really long hours, 6 days a week and am constantly on the go from one minute to the next but B"H, I am employed with a wonderful job and I am completing my masters degree. One more year....

Other updates in my life, so I really love NCSY but I think I've gotten too old for it. After this year, I think this will be it. Not that I don't think I am effective or I'm not a good advisor but I just don't like how bad all the other advisors are and that they turn to me to take care of everything. If there is a head advisor to be the ‘bad guy’ and make sure everyone is doing what they are supposed to be doing and they don't want to give me that job for whatever reason, well then let whoever they choose take care of it. You don’t need me to run the show. I don't think I can handle being this limbo of being in charge but not really. Either I am or I'm not. It has to be one or the other. I’m 26, extremely busy and have WAY too many things on my mind to have it clutter my brain of being somewhat in charge but not really. I feel bad, that I might lose my relationship with some of the kids but such is life…you win and you lose and I know I did the best I could for Klal Yisroel. I hope Hashem will forgive me for being so selfish.

Dating...so, ya...same old...I still haven't found my bashert. I turn 27 in 2 very short months and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I dated someone seriously recently who I thought was my bashert and well...he turned out to be a jerk just like the rest of them. I feel like giving up so badly. I sit and wonder...here I am 9 years post seminary and am still as frum as I was then. I work hard to be a baalas chessed, to be sincere in my avodas Hashem and to be a good person doing all the 'right' things but alas, I am not a size 2 and obviously not pretty enough to be eligible to marry just one guy. I'm just asking for one, really, I promise! I feel like all the wrong guys like me and are interested in me and I sit and sometimes wonder if I'm making a mistake. I want a guy who wants to be a rav or a rebbe or even interested in making a career in kiruv. It sounds so specific but I really want someone who shares the same feelings I do of wanting to make a difference in the world. Is that really so much to ask for? Apparently it is...

I ate by a friend this past Friday night. Her roommates and some other friends were having a party in her apartment later on in the evening. It was obviously co-ed and they had so much alcohol in the apartment, I'm not sure even how to explain or describe that one. One of the hosts of the party was a friend of mine from seminary. I saw all her ideals completely washed away. She saw nothing wrong with the fact that she would be surrounded by men, drunk! I was deeply saddened. I obviously did not stay for the party but I walked home thinking how sheltered I am from the life of your typical single, 20-30 year old girl. I walked home wondering, is this what Hashem wants me to be? To just get over myself and live like the others? Is that really what he wants? Because I’m running out of normal single friends. I live in such a different world. What am I doing here? I don't know, but I desperately would like to just meet Mr. Right already. Is he out there? Does Hashem expect me to turn around, lower my standards and ‘party’ like the others? I sure hope not and if that’s what he wants, I need a clear sign ASAP because I’ve obviously been doing the wrong thing all this time…I'm slowly losing hope.

Every name I hear, profile I view etc...are the same guys over and over again -- either we've dated, he/I said no, or he's completely not shayach. I have rarely heard of a guy who shares the ideals I wish to someday live that I haven’t dated or something. Is he out there?

I thank Hashem every day for the wonderful people in my life. B"H I have wonderful friends who are really supportive and treat me like one of them and wonderful families who care about me as if I were there daughter. I have loving parents who genuinely care about me. My heart aches and my eyes tear when I think of the pain that they suffer and the length they go to shield from me for the very fact that I’m not married. I know how much it hurts them and I only wish I could just make it right. I know so many people don't have what I have but I just want him to come share all the beauty that exists in my life with me; To share my dreams, my love and compassion for people and of course to follow and live by the Torah and emulate His ways.

I daven to Hashem to give me the strength to persevere; To live life to its fullest and bring me one step closer every day to meeting my one true bashert.

To do something for someone else....

I just read a book and like many it tells the story of triumph over evil where the main character miraculously overcomes life’s hardships, trials and tribulations. Every time I read one of those books, I sit and cry thinking that there really are wonderful and fabulous people out there who are willing to open up their hearts to care for another in their time of need. The last book I read showed how this woman’s uncle really stood by her side even when she was down in the dumps. He never turned on her and said ‘forget you’. Sometimes he took a step a way to let her get better but he was always available in her time of need. When she was in a completely helpless state, she turned to someone she barely knew and he believed in her. He believed that she could overcome her problems and stood by her side every step of the way.
I look at my parents and the wonderful qualities that they possess. I know that if I ever needed help my parents would drop everything and rush to my side. Have no fear, I have been and continue to be admonished when I am doing the wrong thing but when I want to better myself, my parents are always there to help me on my way. It is often difficult for me and I’m sure many others to see the blessings that they are bestowed. If one were to look around and see the wonderful people in their lives and emulate them, I truly believe this world would be a better place. I often wish there were more people like that in my life, which were willing to cut you some slack so you could make it in life. Someone who was willing to cover up when you’ve made unintentional mistakes and help you strive to achieve higher heights; Or simply someone who is willing to find joy in your successes.
Unfortunately, I see more and more every day that people like these are hard to come by. I admire them and hope and dream that someday I can touch their soul and help them the same way I needed or wanted to be helped.

To be a Jew!

I find that with each passing day and each passing moment I fall in love with Hashem and his people. As I learn the Parsha every week, I am amazed by the very details that are written in the Torah; Hashem has outlined everything with which to guide our lives by, which is the very same way He wrote down every measurement and every fiber that would be used to construct the mishkon.

Everybody has those 'lazy' days, where you don't want to learn, daven etc... But I believe that if we would just stop and think for one moment about the reason we are in this world, we would see so clearly that we are only here because of Hashem. The same way he taught us every detail for how to build His mishkon, is the same way that Hashem has created each of us. Every detail was accounted for to make us who we are.

With that, I stop and think about how people should act toward one another. I truly believe that each person is deserving of complete and total respect from each and every individual. I truly wonder sometimes how people can hurt others so carelessly. I wonder, that if they knew that they were hurting others, would they still continue to do so? If each of us was made in the image of G-d, how could you so carelessly turn around and insult Hashem to His face (Chas Vishalom)?

I had an incident with my boss this week. He's a 'frum' guy. But the way he treated me this past week and numerous other incidents prior to this, I really wonder what's going on in that head of his. I can't imagine hurting another Jew the way he has hurt me and this is a man so concerned and so worried about giving his non-Jewish co-worker an x-mas gift for fear that he might be over on some tiny halacha. He was sure to ask his Rav whether he was permitted to give the gift or not. Yet, when it came to hurting me, he did not even look back.

As I was learning the parsha from this past week (I know, I didn't finish....tisk tisk) and I was looking over the pesukim from the machzit ha'shekel and how Hashem takes the time to have the Jewish people counted. Each and every single one; the sinners and the non-sinners, the old and the young, the rich and the poor, all I could do was sit back and see...that if Hashem cherishes each and every single one of us, how much more so we must cherish our fellow man.

I know that often times when we see faults in others; it generally mirrors a fault of our own. Maybe I'm not always so nice and maybe I don't always treat every person I meet with the dignity that they deserve. One thing I do know, I hope I'll correct that and be a better Jew tomorrow than I am today.

Today is also the yahrzeit of a friend of mine, Dovid Yifrach ben Tuvia. He was a special person with a special heart who touched every person he met with dignity, kindness and respect.

As an aliyah to his Neshoma I hope to be a better person, a better Jew this year!

Closure

I know I haven't blogged in some time but I've been SO busy between school and work, that who has time to even breathe, let alone blog?

I figured I would update you all on the closing of a chapter in my life. Interestingly enough, it's channuka; the time that every year, something goes wrong with some relationship of mine. Well, may this year be no different!

Remember that guy that I really liked? The one where we went through all that drama with? Well get this, I finally found out why he didn't like me. He didn't think I was pretty enough....

Now that's totally fine and he is 100% entitled to his opinion but 5 years!!!!! I can't believe I made myself so sick over a guy who I thought was so great and really he's just like the rest of them! I cried so much today. I'm hurt but I know that this is one step closer to FINALLY getting over him. He's a great guy and all but if he can't look past the outer layer, well then he's just not right for me. Granted I'm not the skinniest or the most beautiful but I'm certainly no ogre and I'm comfortable enough in that my real bashert will not see my lack of miss Americaness as a fault.

I'm also so upset because while this guy thought he was doing a good thing and hiding the real reason for why he decided not to continue, he was only hurting me more and more. This is the prime example where people just simply don't realize their consequences and even though what they think they are doing is ultimately for the good, what they are really doing is a terrible disservice.

The only thing now, is that I feel a sense of hopelessness. I really sort of had this false hope that he was really the one and it was all a matter of time. I guess it's really what kept me going for so long but now that there's no one...I don't even know what to think.

I feel terribly for my parents. It pains them so much and I don't even know what to do about it. I wish I could change it. I really do but really this is all in Hashem's hands. I'm completely powerless.

I just daven that Hashem hear my tefillos and may this year be the year.

Post Yom Kippur Thoughts

I’ve had a number of thoughts in the past few days and I think I’m going to mention them in short:

Change is such a hard thing to do. I personally try to start every day new and fresh and attempt to overcome something that I have probably been thinking about for quite some time. I generally fail and wish I wouldn’t but I manage to do it…I heard a beautiful mashal over yom kippur; an older man asked a child to take a package for him to Israel. The child said it wouldn’t be a problem. The old man asked him a number of times more to confirm that the child wouldn’t forget. Well, you guessed it; the child did forget the package. We leave Yom Kippur every year saying we’re going to change our lives to better serve Hashem but every year we forget our ‘package’ and don’t change. How are we going to insure that this year, we will not forget? That every day we will remind ourselves that our lives on this earth are for no one, other than Hashem? Maybe and hopefully this year will be different.

I often wonder if I’ve made some terrible mistake. Just 6 months shy of my 26th birthday, I somehow have this feeling that I’ve missed my bashert. I think about the people in the past that have liked me and I somehow wonder, if maybe I’ve missed the boat. Yet, I think of those people and say to myself, I could NEVER have lived with them for the rest of my life. Certainly not as a marriage partner but then I can’t help but think, well maybe there is something about them that I don’t know, maybe I should give it a try. I don’t know what the right thing is…but I know that I’m getting older. It’s scary. I see all the girls and boys older than me and I wonder what and where did we all go wrong. I look at all these wonderfully educated and successful individuals and I just don’t understand. I daven that every one of them find their special someone this year!! And I hope that this year, Hashem will answer my tefillos and this year will be my turn…

This sukkos is my nephew’s bar mitzvah and my niece’s bat mitzvah. My entire family came in for the occasion, including my holy brother from Israel with his 7 beautiful children. Every time I spend time with them, I see how wrong my life here in America is. I see how fulfilled and happy their lives are in Israel and the excitement of seeing something as simple as a bridge (!!!) can really make them so happy. The way they run to do mitzvos and help you whenever you need it and are sad when you go away, is something you don’t see in children very often. The innocence they possess is something so beautiful that I think children in America really lack. You can’t blame them; after all they live in this HUGE crazy world filled with things even adults shouldn’t know about, while children in Israel lead a much more sheltered and spiritual life. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. All I do know is that America is just too much…

I started social work school about 2 weeks ago and so far I’m really enjoying it. I don’t know where this will all bring me, but I’m thrilled that I started something. Maybe I will become a social worker but you never know. I think on a whole it is an important skill to posses. More importantly, I finally started a graduate program (it’s about time!) and I’m happy with it. It’s definitely demanding but I’m sure it will be worth it in the end.

These are all the issues I can think of for now…. I’m sorry for not having written in so long but I’ve really been crazy busy with school and work and life but I will try to keep you all posted with more of my thoughts. Hope you all had a meaningful Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur and this year should be a year filled with complete dedication to Hakodosh Baruch Hu and we should merit to see the building of the Beis Hamikdash speedily in our days. Next year...Yerushlayaim!!!!!

Sinas Chinam

I always remember Hashem’s response to the tears of Klala Yisrael after they realized their mistake by the Chet HaMiraglim -- "Today you cried for nothing; in the future I'll give you a real reason to cry." I shudder every time I read/hear this line and I can honestly look back at my short life and notice that every year there is something to cry about. Whether it is my friend having lost her baby, or her husband, shidduchim for me and my friends, national and global events... The list is endless. There is always a piece of tragedy that has crept its way into our lives.

Tisha B'av is coming up and we morn the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash. We mourn the fact that there was and continues to be Sinas Chinam. It is clear that in our day and age we have not rectified this issue. How many situations do you know or have heard about where one Jew hates another. Why do we continue to add more tragedy to our lives? Why do we have to cause unnecessary pain? Why can’t we stop and say, this is wrong, this is why the Beis Hamikdash was destroyed. How do we fix it?

Losing a friend is probably one of the hardest things in life one goes through; especially if it's someone you sincerely care about and value. Sadly, it's happened to me a few times; whether because of distance, disagreement or misunderstandings. Of the few friends that I have lost, most were for reasons outside of my hands. Yet, I look and realize that even though this is all outside of my hands it is not a reason to let it slip by and pretend that you have no responsibility in the matter.

I find that people (including myself) run away from awkward and uncomfortable situations and are more likely to let something fall by the way side, rather then try to rectify the situation. I look at myself and wonder, how could I let these people slip by? They are people that I have grown from and with and I anticipate having them be a part of my life again.

I look at two of my friends who are in my thoughts at the moment and I'm trying to work up the courage to rectify what I may have done wrong. I'm scared of what the outcome might be and completely terrified of what the other person might think but as a Jew I feel that it is my responsibility to try and change the current situation.

I ask Hakodosh Baruch Hu to give me the strength to do what's right. I daven that we should be zoche to see the building of the Beis Hamikdash speedily in our days.