Summer Time is Here Again...
So, it's summer time. Truth, it's not my favorite time of year, but it's not bad for a runner up. The sunshine and the occasional breeze are nice to enjoy. Yet, the humidity brings upon the yetzer horah. Layers of tznius are peeled off and leave us exposed, literally and figuratively.
As, I have friends from all circles of life, I was faced with a dilemma. I went to meet a friend to work on a project and she was wearing (gasp!) short sleeves. Obviously, it's not something I do or condone but I'm not one to go around giving people mussar. Who am I to judge? In fact, I happen to know she knows better but maybe this is just wear she wants to be. She's a smart girl and can decide for herself.
The dilemma arises within me. I was positively embarrassed to be sitting outside with her. Boys are walking by and obviously looking. Forget the fact that they are already curious as to what crazy girls are sitting on the benches. I'm willing to give that up. I would honestly have chosen to sit out of sight but I didn't care all that much about sitting outside. But the whole time, all I could think about was: "What do they think of me?"
People, unfortunately are judgmental by nature. In addition, one is consistently judged by their friends. If you look at a person’s friends you can tell a lot about who they are. A certain Rosh Yeshiva, who knows me walked by. I wanted to run up and say: "I'm so sorry! Don't worry this is not me!".
In fact I don’t think I would care as much, had it not been the fact that a number of people this year approached me about the issue. They told me that often times, people get the wrong idea about be because I may hang out with a more modern crowd. It’s not that I don’t trust myself but having been in more modern settings for most of my life, obviously, more modern acquaintances are a inevitable. I know my boundaries and am able to know when I won’t feel comfortable and walk away from the situation.
I'm embarrassed that I think this way. In fact, I wonder what I felt like last year. Have my sensitivities changed or did this friend of mine just dress more tzniusly... I don't know the answer. I really don't. I feel so bad and I want to be warm and welcoming. What should I do??
posted by Inmymind @ 10:49 PM
9 Comments:
Hashem gave each of us free will. You need to make decisions that are right for you and let other people make their decisions. As far as other people judging you for what the person next to you is wearing, this is a much bigger deal than you might realize. Do you think Hashem wants us not to interact with someone because of the way they dress? "I am sorry I cannot talk to you because I can see your elbow." What kind of derech eretz is that? Hashem judges us for who we are as individuals- maybe these people walking around should learn a lesson from Him.
I totally agree with you. From my perspective, it's not my buisness what the next one is wearing. That person is Jewish and a person! -- and like you said are deserving of that respect simply based on those 2 points. Maybe I'll have a good influence on her, who knows...but I fear that people will think, "well, she can't be frum, she hangs out with so and so..." I don't know, it's just hard...
I hear your concerns and they are certainly valid. It is unfortunate but most people are judgemental. However, at the end of the day i hope that the kind of person you would hope to end up with would not judge you based on the fact that you happen to exchange words and work with someone on a particular project who does not adhere to all standards of tznius.
I'm SURE that that person is better than me. I'm not invalidating her or anyone on any level. I personally have no issue with the person, in fact I'm quite embarrassed that I feel uncomfortable to any degree.
Orlee -- like you said, I hang out with people, simply for who they are and who they stand for as people not because of a religous preference.
Anonymous -- I probably would never marry someone with such an issue. If they have such an issue with me, chances are they would never understand who I am.
To all -- I'm more sad someone put this into my mind, and I guess it brings to life the patheticness that people judge simply based on what is on the outside.
When that person said that people think you are modern because you hang out wiith a modern crowd, did heor she mean girls who don't cover their elbows, etc? Maybe tha person just meant tha YU is modern, & since you work there and interact with YU guys, you are hanging out with a more "modern crowd." If so, there is not much you can do about that while you are working there.
It's true that people are judgemntal, but I'd like to think that no Rosh Yeshiva at YU would think you are modern because you are sitting with a girl in capped sleeves. If they know you, then they know that you do not compromise on your tznius. If they don't know you, then:
1 - who cares what they think about you =)
2 - they might not be thinking about you at all.
If my father saw you, I doubt he would notice what the two of you were wearing. If he did notice, he would assume you were doing kiruv on your friend.
Last week, when I went to tutor someone, we went to a store and we met someone I know from Washington Heights (from the Bruers kehillah). The girl I tutor was wearing a tank top with a really short skirt; I was wearing a long sleeve tee-shirt and long skirt. We were clearly together. For a few seconds I thought "what does she think about me?" Then I decided that I don't care what she thinks. Just because the person I am with dresses this way, does not reflect on me. I hope other people feel the same.
Hatzlacha!
Wish I was in Israel,
Of course I shouldn't care...I'm not sure why I do care. That's what I'm really trying to get to the bottom of... I only care about what a rebbe would think, simply out of their own kavod. In school, I always felt terrible for the Rabbi giving a course and there were unclad young women. I felt embarrassed for them. Obviously, the rabbi has a choice. He teaches in the school for a reason and I'm sure he made his cheshbonos. In reality, I don't care, she is free to do what she wants. but why in public, was I all of a sudden embarrassed?
It's normal to care don't beat yourself up.
We all are self concious and wonder what others think of us...well, some less (you know who I can be) but still. I've always chosen to care more about the types of people I'm seen with (i.e. their personalities) than what they're wearing. If someone decides that I'm any less frum because I just came from the gym and I was wearing shorts and a cut off t-shirt, or because I wear jeans, then it's definitely not someone whose opinion I care about.
The only time it does bother me is when it gets into other people's mentalities that I tell someone I won't go out with a girl because she shows her collar bones and they say "You care about collar bones?!"
If you refer to one of my earlier blog postings (I think I mentioned this) you'll see how I cut all ties to a former friend whose association with me was tarnishing my reputation as he is very well known as being an all around schmuck. I always base my opinion of people on their actions, not their friends, so when he proved himself to be a schmuck, validating everyone's opinions, I quickly separated myself from him.
But not because he wears jeans.
Why would people judge you if you were sitting with one wearing short sleaves. You were embarrased to be seen with her? You didn't want your Rabbi to misjudge you?
If you're friends with someone, working on a project with them etc, why not work with them in a basement in yuphupusville so no one will ever know you exchanged words?
G-dforbid it could ruin your shidduch chances!!! (palpable sarcasm)
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