Musings of the Mind

Happy Birthday!

2009-04-19T21:58:00.000-05:00

Birthdays are a time of celebration; a time of joy where the ending of last year signifies a hopeful and promising beginning for next year, where dreams that somehow were forgotten will again have the chance to be realized and actualized. Yet, there is the point in one’s life when each successive year becomes a year wrought with uncertainty; where what was once a life filled with dreams and goals has now been replaced with anguish and insecurity; When the dreams of yesteryear, those that have yet to come true, continue to be the dreams of tomorrow and forever. So when that time of year swings around and you have now become one year older, there is the familiar ache in one’s heart and the same questions asked time and again, will this year be the year?

Every girl wishes to find that special someone in her life. To finally meet him, be swept off her feet and live finally, happily ever after just the way it always works out in books and movies. Prince Charming of course is the man you always dreamed of; tall, handsome, smart, ambitious, successful, kind, sweet, romantic….and the list is endless. In short – he’s perfect. But as each year ends and the new one begins, you have to wonder – will it ever happen?

So many of you are undoubtedly thinking – ‘Gosh, would you stop being so desperate? It’ll happen when it’s time for it to happen. Would you stop worrying so much already?’ I just can’t help but wonder about him. I think of ‘him’ day in and day out, week in and week out and wonder when will we finally be be granted permission to meet one another? When will we be able to then spend the rest of our lives together?

True I may be in for some surprises and I may not exactly be swept off my feet but I can hope for true love, can’t I? A love and respect for one another, a love for our eventual family together and a love of fulfilling the words of Hashem together on a daily basis. One can only hope for at least that….I think….I hope. So, maybe not all hope is lost…

Until that point, Happy Birthday to me at the ripe old age of 27 and may this year be the year!

It's been a while....

2009-02-21T21:59:00.002-05:00

It's been almost a year since the last time I blogged but I felt like tonight would be a good night to write a little something.

So, what have I been up to, you ask? Well, I got a promotion last summer, making me the head of my department and amazingly enough it was a week before Rosh Hashanah and two weeks before this economic mess we're in. Amazing how Hashem has his ways. He made it work EXACTLY the way I needed it. So, not only did this rid me of my obnoxious, overbearing boss but it gave me the flexibility and power to move a department forward and allow me to continue to pursue my education just the way I want to.

As you know (or if you don't, now you do!) I have been pursuing my masters in Social Work. Not the field that I feel is my destiny in life but it's interesting, I'm enjoying it and I'm sure it will be handy at some point in life. I would eventually like to use it in the private practice sector, either counseling at risk teens or some type of family or marriage counseling. But we shall see. In any case, I have to complete two years of field placement as part of my master’s degree. Lucky enough, I was given a placement close to home and not too far from work AND one the that was flexible with my work schedule. I know, crazy amount of requests but it worked out so well, B"H. As a result of adding this field placement to my workload, I'm working REALLY hard and am actually going out of my mind since I now work really long hours, 6 days a week and am constantly on the go from one minute to the next but B"H, I am employed with a wonderful job and I am completing my masters degree. One more year....

Other updates in my life, so I really love NCSY but I think I've gotten too old for it. After this year, I think this will be it. Not that I don't think I am effective or I'm not a good advisor but I just don't like how bad all the other advisors are and that they turn to me to take care of everything. If there is a head advisor to be the ‘bad guy’ and make sure everyone is doing what they are supposed to be doing and they don't want to give me that job for whatever reason, well then let whoever they choose take care of it. You don’t need me to run the show. I don't think I can handle being this limbo of being in charge but not really. Either I am or I'm not. It has to be one or the other. I’m 26, extremely busy and have WAY too many things on my mind to have it clutter my brain of being somewhat in charge but not really. I feel bad, that I might lose my relationship with some of the kids but such is life…you win and you lose and I know I did the best I could for Klal Yisroel. I hope Hashem will forgive me for being so selfish.

Dating...so, ya...same old...I still haven't found my bashert. I turn 27 in 2 very short months and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I dated someone seriously recently who I thought was my bashert and well...he turned out to be a jerk just like the rest of them. I feel like giving up so badly. I sit and wonder...here I am 9 years post seminary and am still as frum as I was then. I work hard to be a baalas chessed, to be sincere in my avodas Hashem and to be a good person doing all the 'right' things but alas, I am not a size 2 and obviously not pretty enough to be eligible to marry just one guy. I'm just asking for one, really, I promise! I feel like all the wrong guys like me and are interested in me and I sit and sometimes wonder if I'm making a mistake. I want a guy who wants to be a rav or a rebbe or even interested in making a career in kiruv. It sounds so specific but I really want someone who shares the same feelings I do of wanting to make a difference in the world. Is that really so much to ask for? Apparently it is...

I ate by a friend this past Friday night. Her roommates and some other friends were having a party in her apartment later on in the evening. It was obviously co-ed and they had so much alcohol in the apartment, I'm not sure even how to explain or describe that one. One of the hosts of the party was a friend of mine from seminary. I saw all her ideals completely washed away. She saw nothing wrong with the fact that she would be surrounded by men, drunk! I was deeply saddened. I obviously did not stay for the party but I walked home thinking how sheltered I am from the life of your typical single, 20-30 year old girl. I walked home wondering, is this what Hashem wants me to be? To just get over myself and live like the others? Is that really what he wants? Because I’m running out of normal single friends. I live in such a different world. What am I doing here? I don't know, but I desperately would like to just meet Mr. Right already. Is he out there? Does Hashem expect me to turn around, lower my standards and ‘party’ like the others? I sure hope not and if that’s what he wants, I need a clear sign ASAP because I’ve obviously been doing the wrong thing all this time…I'm slowly losing hope.

Every name I hear, profile I view etc...are the same guys over and over again -- either we've dated, he/I said no, or he's completely not shayach. I have rarely heard of a guy who shares the ideals I wish to someday live that I haven’t dated or something. Is he out there?

I thank Hashem every day for the wonderful people in my life. B"H I have wonderful friends who are really supportive and treat me like one of them and wonderful families who care about me as if I were there daughter. I have loving parents who genuinely care about me. My heart aches and my eyes tear when I think of the pain that they suffer and the length they go to shield from me for the very fact that I’m not married. I know how much it hurts them and I only wish I could just make it right. I know so many people don't have what I have but I just want him to come share all the beauty that exists in my life with me; To share my dreams, my love and compassion for people and of course to follow and live by the Torah and emulate His ways.

I daven to Hashem to give me the strength to persevere; To live life to its fullest and bring me one step closer every day to meeting my one true bashert.

To do something for someone else....

2008-04-16T14:07:00.000-05:00

I just read a book and like many it tells the story of triumph over evil where the main character miraculously overcomes life’s hardships, trials and tribulations. Every time I read one of those books, I sit and cry thinking that there really are wonderful and fabulous people out there who are willing to open up their hearts to care for another in their time of need. The last book I read showed how this woman’s uncle really stood by her side even when she was down in the dumps. He never turned on her and said ‘forget you’. Sometimes he took a step a way to let her get better but he was always available in her time of need. When she was in a completely helpless state, she turned to someone she barely knew and he believed in her. He believed that she could overcome her problems and stood by her side every step of the way.
I look at my parents and the wonderful qualities that they possess. I know that if I ever needed help my parents would drop everything and rush to my side. Have no fear, I have been and continue to be admonished when I am doing the wrong thing but when I want to better myself, my parents are always there to help me on my way. It is often difficult for me and I’m sure many others to see the blessings that they are bestowed. If one were to look around and see the wonderful people in their lives and emulate them, I truly believe this world would be a better place. I often wish there were more people like that in my life, which were willing to cut you some slack so you could make it in life. Someone who was willing to cover up when you’ve made unintentional mistakes and help you strive to achieve higher heights; Or simply someone who is willing to find joy in your successes.
Unfortunately, I see more and more every day that people like these are hard to come by. I admire them and hope and dream that someday I can touch their soul and help them the same way I needed or wanted to be helped.

To be a Jew!

2008-02-25T16:43:00.002-05:00

I find that with each passing day and each passing moment I fall in love with Hashem and his people. As I learn the Parsha every week, I am amazed by the very details that are written in the Torah; Hashem has outlined everything with which to guide our lives by, which is the very same way He wrote down every measurement and every fiber that would be used to construct the mishkon.

Everybody has those 'lazy' days, where you don't want to learn, daven etc... But I believe that if we would just stop and think for one moment about the reason we are in this world, we would see so clearly that we are only here because of Hashem. The same way he taught us every detail for how to build His mishkon, is the same way that Hashem has created each of us. Every detail was accounted for to make us who we are.

With that, I stop and think about how people should act toward one another. I truly believe that each person is deserving of complete and total respect from each and every individual. I truly wonder sometimes how people can hurt others so carelessly. I wonder, that if they knew that they were hurting others, would they still continue to do so? If each of us was made in the image of G-d, how could you so carelessly turn around and insult Hashem to His face (Chas Vishalom)?

I had an incident with my boss this week. He's a 'frum' guy. But the way he treated me this past week and numerous other incidents prior to this, I really wonder what's going on in that head of his. I can't imagine hurting another Jew the way he has hurt me and this is a man so concerned and so worried about giving his non-Jewish co-worker an x-mas gift for fear that he might be over on some tiny halacha. He was sure to ask his Rav whether he was permitted to give the gift or not. Yet, when it came to hurting me, he did not even look back.

As I was learning the parsha from this past week (I know, I didn't finish....tisk tisk) and I was looking over the pesukim from the machzit ha'shekel and how Hashem takes the time to have the Jewish people counted. Each and every single one; the sinners and the non-sinners, the old and the young, the rich and the poor, all I could do was sit back and see...that if Hashem cherishes each and every single one of us, how much more so we must cherish our fellow man.

I know that often times when we see faults in others; it generally mirrors a fault of our own. Maybe I'm not always so nice and maybe I don't always treat every person I meet with the dignity that they deserve. One thing I do know, I hope I'll correct that and be a better Jew tomorrow than I am today.

Today is also the yahrzeit of a friend of mine, Dovid Yifrach ben Tuvia. He was a special person with a special heart who touched every person he met with dignity, kindness and respect.

As an aliyah to his Neshoma I hope to be a better person, a better Jew this year!

Closure

2007-12-07T00:07:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't blogged in some time but I've been SO busy between school and work, that who has time to even breathe, let alone blog?

I figured I would update you all on the closing of a chapter in my life. Interestingly enough, it's channuka; the time that every year, something goes wrong with some relationship of mine. Well, may this year be no different!

Remember that guy that I really liked? The one where we went through all that drama with? Well get this, I finally found out why he didn't like me. He didn't think I was pretty enough....

Now that's totally fine and he is 100% entitled to his opinion but 5 years!!!!! I can't believe I made myself so sick over a guy who I thought was so great and really he's just like the rest of them! I cried so much today. I'm hurt but I know that this is one step closer to FINALLY getting over him. He's a great guy and all but if he can't look past the outer layer, well then he's just not right for me. Granted I'm not the skinniest or the most beautiful but I'm certainly no ogre and I'm comfortable enough in that my real bashert will not see my lack of miss Americaness as a fault.

I'm also so upset because while this guy thought he was doing a good thing and hiding the real reason for why he decided not to continue, he was only hurting me more and more. This is the prime example where people just simply don't realize their consequences and even though what they think they are doing is ultimately for the good, what they are really doing is a terrible disservice.

The only thing now, is that I feel a sense of hopelessness. I really sort of had this false hope that he was really the one and it was all a matter of time. I guess it's really what kept me going for so long but now that there's no one...I don't even know what to think.

I feel terribly for my parents. It pains them so much and I don't even know what to do about it. I wish I could change it. I really do but really this is all in Hashem's hands. I'm completely powerless.

I just daven that Hashem hear my tefillos and may this year be the year.

Post Yom Kippur Thoughts

2007-09-23T22:03:00.000-05:00

I’ve had a number of thoughts in the past few days and I think I’m going to mention them in short:

Change is such a hard thing to do. I personally try to start every day new and fresh and attempt to overcome something that I have probably been thinking about for quite some time. I generally fail and wish I wouldn’t but I manage to do it…I heard a beautiful mashal over yom kippur; an older man asked a child to take a package for him to Israel. The child said it wouldn’t be a problem. The old man asked him a number of times more to confirm that the child wouldn’t forget. Well, you guessed it; the child did forget the package. We leave Yom Kippur every year saying we’re going to change our lives to better serve Hashem but every year we forget our ‘package’ and don’t change. How are we going to insure that this year, we will not forget? That every day we will remind ourselves that our lives on this earth are for no one, other than Hashem? Maybe and hopefully this year will be different.

I often wonder if I’ve made some terrible mistake. Just 6 months shy of my 26th birthday, I somehow have this feeling that I’ve missed my bashert. I think about the people in the past that have liked me and I somehow wonder, if maybe I’ve missed the boat. Yet, I think of those people and say to myself, I could NEVER have lived with them for the rest of my life. Certainly not as a marriage partner but then I can’t help but think, well maybe there is something about them that I don’t know, maybe I should give it a try. I don’t know what the right thing is…but I know that I’m getting older. It’s scary. I see all the girls and boys older than me and I wonder what and where did we all go wrong. I look at all these wonderfully educated and successful individuals and I just don’t understand. I daven that every one of them find their special someone this year!! And I hope that this year, Hashem will answer my tefillos and this year will be my turn…

This sukkos is my nephew’s bar mitzvah and my niece’s bat mitzvah. My entire family came in for the occasion, including my holy brother from Israel with his 7 beautiful children. Every time I spend time with them, I see how wrong my life here in America is. I see how fulfilled and happy their lives are in Israel and the excitement of seeing something as simple as a bridge (!!!) can really make them so happy. The way they run to do mitzvos and help you whenever you need it and are sad when you go away, is something you don’t see in children very often. The innocence they possess is something so beautiful that I think children in America really lack. You can’t blame them; after all they live in this HUGE crazy world filled with things even adults shouldn’t know about, while children in Israel lead a much more sheltered and spiritual life. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. All I do know is that America is just too much…

I started social work school about 2 weeks ago and so far I’m really enjoying it. I don’t know where this will all bring me, but I’m thrilled that I started something. Maybe I will become a social worker but you never know. I think on a whole it is an important skill to posses. More importantly, I finally started a graduate program (it’s about time!) and I’m happy with it. It’s definitely demanding but I’m sure it will be worth it in the end.

These are all the issues I can think of for now…. I’m sorry for not having written in so long but I’ve really been crazy busy with school and work and life but I will try to keep you all posted with more of my thoughts. Hope you all had a meaningful Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur and this year should be a year filled with complete dedication to Hakodosh Baruch Hu and we should merit to see the building of the Beis Hamikdash speedily in our days. Next year...Yerushlayaim!!!!!

Sinas Chinam

2007-07-12T09:30:00.000-05:00

I always remember Hashem’s response to the tears of Klala Yisrael after they realized their mistake by the Chet HaMiraglim -- "Today you cried for nothing; in the future I'll give you a real reason to cry." I shudder every time I read/hear this line and I can honestly look back at my short life and notice that every year there is something to cry about. Whether it is my friend having lost her baby, or her husband, shidduchim for me and my friends, national and global events... The list is endless. There is always a piece of tragedy that has crept its way into our lives.

Tisha B'av is coming up and we morn the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash. We mourn the fact that there was and continues to be Sinas Chinam. It is clear that in our day and age we have not rectified this issue. How many situations do you know or have heard about where one Jew hates another. Why do we continue to add more tragedy to our lives? Why do we have to cause unnecessary pain? Why can’t we stop and say, this is wrong, this is why the Beis Hamikdash was destroyed. How do we fix it?

Losing a friend is probably one of the hardest things in life one goes through; especially if it's someone you sincerely care about and value. Sadly, it's happened to me a few times; whether because of distance, disagreement or misunderstandings. Of the few friends that I have lost, most were for reasons outside of my hands. Yet, I look and realize that even though this is all outside of my hands it is not a reason to let it slip by and pretend that you have no responsibility in the matter.

I find that people (including myself) run away from awkward and uncomfortable situations and are more likely to let something fall by the way side, rather then try to rectify the situation. I look at myself and wonder, how could I let these people slip by? They are people that I have grown from and with and I anticipate having them be a part of my life again.

I look at two of my friends who are in my thoughts at the moment and I'm trying to work up the courage to rectify what I may have done wrong. I'm scared of what the outcome might be and completely terrified of what the other person might think but as a Jew I feel that it is my responsibility to try and change the current situation.

I ask Hakodosh Baruch Hu to give me the strength to do what's right. I daven that we should be zoche to see the building of the Beis Hamikdash speedily in our days.

Back from LA

2007-06-08T10:21:00.000-05:00

So I know it's been a week and a half since I came back from LA but I'm back and ready to blog!

I'll share with you some of my revelations:

1) I LOVE being Jewish. I never felt so alive being with all of my NCSYers cheering on shabbos. It felt so good. It's funny that when I tell people I'm still doing NCSY, they tell me "still? Aren't you too old for that!?" And the truth is, even if I am one of the oldest advisors, I feel so young when I'm there and I feel like I'm actually using my energy to do something meaningful. Being energetic about causes that I believe in? How could I go wrong?

2) NY...I'm getting really tired of it...slowly...How much more of this can I take? I think I'm going to give myself two years, I'll have finished Social Work by then, and hopefully with Hashem's help, I'll have a husband by then...It will be time to move. I can't handle the intense, fast paced environment. Who has time to sit back and enjoy life, if you're simply just trying to keep up with the environment around you? I come home, exhausted after a day of work...but I'm sitting at a desk all day, I'm not running the marathon!

3) My boy drama....continues....no updates lately, hopefully at some point in my lifetime there will be some breakthrough but at this point, I'm losing hope. I don't care per say that I may never get married, I just want to know, so I can get on with my life and stop worrying about it. I'm so happy with where I am, with the things I doing, the people I meet etc. Sometimes it's hard when everyone around you is married but on a whole I have wonderful friends who are extremely welcoming, ALWAYS. Que Sera Sera -- Whatever will be, will be. I don't want you to think that I'm not infinitely grateful to the one above. Quite the opposite, I am, I'm extremely thankful for EVERY opportunity I am given. I try to take advantage of each and every one of them. Obviously, this is my nissayon and I try to face every day with a smile for myself and for others. I look at my friend (see last post) and I see that Hakodosh Baruch Hu works in mysterious ways. She's dated all this time and all the while her boy wasn't ready but when he was, they dated and here they are engaged and getting married. Hakol B'yiday shamayim!! All I can do is believe.

On that note, I wish you all a beautiful, meaningful and restful shabbos!

Wow...it's been a REALLY long time...

2007-05-15T21:49:00.000-05:00

I can't say that so much has been going on in the last couple of months. You would think with an absence like that, that I was imminently getting engaged, or some other huge event was going to happen. But I'm sorry to say, that absolutely, nothing exciting is going on.

Life is good, keeping busy with the day to day and other random activities that are coming up. You know same old stuff...just a different day!

Anyway, some nice events: 1) Remember my friend who lost her baby last year? B"H she has given birth to a healthy baby boy! Mazal Tov!! I feel so relieved. I've been davening so hard that Hashem should make it right, B"H! 2) I moved to a new apartment and I love it! It's so great to finally have my own place/space. 3) A friend of mine whose 26 is getting engaged really soon...I'm SOOOOO happy for her...it's like...Finally! He's here. May we share in many more simchas together! 4) I'm applying to social work school...I decided that even if I want to go to dental school I have to wait 2 years in order to get there, so I might as well do something in the middle...plus I get 75% off.

That's all that's really going on. I’ll try to be more on top of writing...but it's hard!

Summer is here! So is Shavous! And I'll be in Los Angeles for a week! YAY! I'm sure I'll have something to say when I get back!

Feeling the Pain of Another

2007-03-12T08:39:00.000-05:00

There is no way to fully understand someone else's pain. Try we might but we are not that person and therefore cannot understand. We can try to relate but we can never fully understand.

As I get older, and go through new experiences in life, I begin to understand this concept more and more. This past shabbos my friends husband was niftar. He was not a regular human being but someone who was extraordinarily kind, caring and compassionate. He had exemplary middos, something that anyone who would meet him would see. It was clear at his levayah how many people loved him. Just by looking at the large amount of people that came to pay their respects, you were able to see just how he touched all those around him.

One of the hespedim noted his sincere emunah, how even at the hardest of times he was able to sing "Tov L'hodos L'Hashem". I heard that story and was amazed at what strength that required. It's easy for us to say "Hashem wanted it this way", or "He completed his tafkid in this world" and a multitude of other catch phrases but do we understand the implications of these statements? Yes, they might be true but when you're the parents and have lost your first born son to a fatal disease, at that moment, at the ‘hear and now’, are they saying...It's better this way? If you are, you're a malach. But for the rest of humankind, you're crying tears of pain and sorrow.

Since the levyayah, I can't get the painful cries out of my head. The pain of his parents, wife, family and friends. The pain of losing someone so close to you, someone who was so giving to you...is just unbearable.

This would be the third funeral I've attended this year. Each of those people, strong leaders of their community. Each of those people a stellar example of true emunah and bitachon. Each of them righteous individuals on their own right.

I say good-bye and hope to be half of what these people are over the course of my lifetime. My bracha to all of you…may we live lives filled with bracha, simcha and health and may we bring these delights to those around us for years to come.

Mazal Tov!!

2007-02-05T16:28:00.000-05:00

I guess I wasn't kidding when I said my life was out of control busy...hence the absence from blogging for about a month....I'm so sorry dear readers for the long absence.

First things first, I would like to give a big shout out to one of my readers who just got engaged... MAZAL TOV!!! I davened for this day to come for quite some time now and I'm so happy that it happened and it's here! You're a special person and the wonderful boy you are about to marry should know how lucky he is...besides, if he has any questions you can always refer him to me ;-)

One thing I learnt from meeting my friend's future spouse, something I always knew in the back of my mind, a piece of advice that I often tell others and probably never really understood. "The boy that you will one day marry, may be very different than what you imagined him to be". My friend had dated basically two types of guys (no, I didn't go on the dates with her) and her now chosson is like neither!

It makes me wonder about what I'm looking for. Maybe I'm looking for something totally different...who knows? The one thing she pointed out that attracted her to her chosson was his sincerity towards yiddishkeit. To him (and her!) it's not about fitting in. It's just about being frum and nothing more. It makes me look at myself and say...why do I bother trying so hard to 'fit in' with a certain community? As of late, I've been trying to stop the mode of thinking 'well, what will the others' think?’ I've been trying to say to myself, ‘who cares? This is me...take it or leave it!’ Each person is unique, I am no different (no pun intended).

On a separate topic...I feel like I'm annoying people more than usual these days. This one doesn't like this about me, that one doesn't like this etc... I try hard to please people, probably a big downfall to myself but I do. All too often I find myself trying to hard. So someone doesn't like me...get over it! But more importantly, there are those that like me but they can't handle certain traits I may possess. For instance my sarcasm, constant kidding around (yes, I can be serious when necessary) etc... I just feel like telling people, if you don't like it, than don't be friends with me but this is me. Maybe I'm crazy...ok, fine I am but it's just what I feel.

I can see why that mode of thought is a bit selfish but I don’t see myself being critical of others. Each person is different and if I don’t enjoy that person’s company than I won’t be with them. I just can’t handle people wanting to hang out with me and then spend the whole time criticizing me. It doesn’t do well for the ego. I’m not an egotistical person, but I also have feelings. Often times the criticism is not done in private. It’s done publicly with everyone listening, ganging up and agreeing. If you have some beef with me, pull me aside and we’ll talk. I’ll explain you me and maybe you’ll understand why I may act in a certain way and if there is no reason and I’m annoying you, let me know and I will do my best to act differently. Just don’t play the eggshell game with me…

As far as the apartment search is going....it's coming. Right now I'm living by a wonderful family, who are literally taking care of my every need, which I am SOOOO thankful for. I miss living at home, where I had my mother to take care of me. Living on one's own is tough...I never appreciated the difference till now. It really takes away so much stress from the day. So, again THANK YOU! for your chessed!

I hope to blog again in the much nearer future. So much on my mind and no time....I hope I won't give you this month hiatus again. Till the next time...

That's what friends are for

2007-01-08T11:23:00.000-05:00

Wow, I haven't blogged in a while. Life has been really insane. I would even dare say more so than usual. But there is something I have come across that I must vent about.

People often say about me "oh, you know everyone!" or "You have SO many friends!” I really hear those statements daily and somehow I always think....if only you knew… Yes, I might be acquainted with many many different people but at the end of the day how many of those people can I really look at and say: Those are my friends. Sadly, it's very few.

Not to pat myself on the back but all too often I will probably go out of my way for just about anyone friend or not friend. But how many of the non-friends actually call me and say, "Hey, how are you? How was your day?" or "Hey, haven't seen you in a while, let's go hang out". It drives me crazy when people call and say "I'm lonely, so can we hang out?" Who wants to hang out on that basis? Or "Hey, we should talk sometime, but can you get me XXXX" I'll do it 9 out of 10 times but it doesn't leave me the best of feelings.

This brings me to what many of you are thinking. Why bother? This is going to come out so harsh...but no offense; it's no one else’s business but my own! Thank g-d I'm a growing 24 year old woman. I can make decisions for myself, B”H. My parents don't tell me what to do, why I would allow others to do that for me, is beyond me! I know many people around me think they know what's better for me but for the very reason you're not me, you have NO IDEA! If I chose to take on a project, no matter how busy it's going to make me, it doesn't help me by telling me 24/7 I shouldn't be doing it. I chose to do it and that's my decision and no one else’s. It might be hard sometimes, but the satisfaction is what counts. It’s not only satisfaction for others but satisfying myself.

I went to a shabbaton in LA last shabbos (New Year's) and so many people told me, I can't believe you're doing this etc etc etc. You know, on the way there I was beginning to wonder, why am I doing this? I have SO much to do, why bother? In hindsight, I'm SOOOO happy I stuck through it. It was an amazing experience, unsurpassable by anything else I would have done that weekend. Had I listened to all my 'friends' I doubt I would be the person I want and should be.

So if you want to be my friend, please stand at my side and say, don't worry everything is going to be ok, instead of giving me the added tzuros (however you spell that) that can only bring me down. Give me the strength to overcome, the strength that I can do anything I set my mind to. When making me crazy about what I should and shouldn't do, only further alienates me from you, not wanting me to tell you what it is that I'm doing, what’s bothering me etc... I'll just bring you right back to the acquaintance category, just like all the others.

For those that are my true friends thank you for all that you do for me. Some of you (well probably most of you) are thinking what did I do? You were there for me. You surprised me when you knew I was stressed and needed some company. You welcomed me to be a part of your family, you called me to check up on me, and you gave me your shoulder to cry on when things got rough. You gave me the strength to overcome, the strength to say YOU CAN DO IT! and to believe ALL will work out in the right time, just the way Hashem has planned it! For that, I thank you!

**NOTE THIS IS IN NO WAY MEANT TO UPSET OR INSULT ANYONE IN SPECIFIC, SIMPLY A VENTING OF MY FEELINGS.**

...Middos Alert...Middos Alert...

2006-12-22T12:10:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's been a few days since I last blogged. Work has been INSANE...literally! but B"H all is well and life is somewhat back to normal except...I'm moving again... Did I ever mention that if you live with me guaranteed you'll be married? Ya, works on everyone but me, of course!

Anyway, on to the above topic; What brought me to this topic was a number of events, some positive, others negative, that have taken place in the past week. With that, I'll tell you a bit about them and more! So here goes!

1. A Rabbi had asked me to get him tickets to a concert I was going to. Now, you may ask why would a Rabbi bother with such a thing? No, it wasn't even a family outing. He wanted to take a disabled person (like he does every year) to enjoy the concert he waits all year for. I've secretly known about this chessed that this Rabbi does for about a year already but somehow it has completely slipped my mind. This year, when he asked me for the tickets, it just amazed me how someone who has SO much to do and is so busy, takes time out of his day to day activity, simply to make another soul happy. It made me realize so much, how a small act of kindness really does go a long way and how we should constantly be making efforts to do kind things for one another. You never know how much you are impacting their lives

2. At the concert, I watched my favorite singer. Not only was he incredible because of his beautiful voice and amazing talent but simply, his middos, completely shine through at EVERY show he does. He's always dancing with the disabled kids, letting them sing with him on stage etc... He never acts in the stand-offish type of manner making the other feel useless and like a nothing. He makes EVERYONE feel like a person. It's always tremendous watching him and I appreciate so much of what it means to be a kind and giving person, even when you’re rich and famous.

3. On a slightly more depressing note...In the past couple of weeks, I've had a number of shaddchans basically tell me that because I'm not a size 2, I should be honored when a guy says yes to me, no matter what's wrong with him. First off, I think that's ridiculous....so he's a murderer, I should marry him...because well, he's so kind, that he's willing to get over the fact that I'm not a supermodel. UCHHHH!!! Second, I really wonder how these shaddchans have enough chutzpah to tell someone that they are heavy. First of all, just to clarify, I'm not heavy; I'm just not a size 2, anorexic, JAP. I'm just regular. I care about my weight and what not for myself and certainly not for the sake of shidduchim. But I really wonder how someone could have the heart to tell someone to their face that they just aren't good looking enough to make the cut. Do they not think that this is hurtful!? AT ALL!? Even a little bit!? I mean, please! I hear that they are trying to help you, but insulting someone in the process is not exactly the way to go. Shidduchim should be l'shem shamayim, not l'shem making another shidduch to put on your trophy wall. B"H I'm a strong person and I let these things slide but I think of all the other people I'm sure these shaddchans make these same statements to, and I simply wonder...are you for real?

4. In continuation of the last point, I HATE that these shaddchans make you feel like you (the female) should be honored to go out with him (the male)...You know...I'm a good person too. Just because I'm not male and don't run the show, doesn't make me any less of a good person. I too work hard in trying to be the best Jew possible. And you know what? That’s hard work! As time goes on, I become more and more sickened by the shidduch process. I'm disgusted that people at the age of 24-25 are desperate, not so much only from themselves but because everyone around them is telling them so. Why can't people have Emunah that we will marry the right one at the right time?

As I lit and watched the Chanukah lights burned this year, I was nostalgic that I wasn't with my family. I miss the joy of being together, eating potato latkes, opening gifts and really just being together. But as I watched the glow of the light, I hoped that maybe people would be thinking about what Yiddishkeit is all about. We light in the window so that passersby should see us celebrating a great miracle. I silently davened for mashiach tziddkanu to clear up all that clouds our lives, where we are free to live a true life of Torah, where Jews world wide will act with sincerity, love and kindness…or better yet, plain and simple, home cooked, good middos. Amen!

"Stop Waiting and It'll Happen"

2006-12-11T14:54:00.000-05:00

While I was in Israel, my brother told me this line. I've been thinking about it ever since, trying to understand its meaning. How could you possibly stop waiting for something you want so badly? It's like saying forget about the one thing you find most important in your life. Obviously completely forgetting is not the true intention. I'm beginning to think that life should go on without completely focusing on it.

I just realized I didn't exactly explain what I'm talking about...but of course in case you haven't guessed...drum roll please....marriage. Ya, that's right you guessed it....

So, truth is, I guess in a sense I have been waiting for it. (By not going to dental school etc... ) I realize now, I must go. I started studying for my DAT (WHAT?? Yes, I did ok...breath everyone) and I hope with Hashem's help I'll be able to go to dental school but that doesn't make me stop thinking of my future spouse and who he is and where in the world is he.

I really believe that all will happen when Hakadosh Baruch Hu is ready for it to happen. It's hard to completely let go and say...this is completely not in my hands. As humans, we think that meeting one more shaddchan, and doing this that and the other will bring me closer to meeting my bashert.

The only thing that leaves me in question is...what about all those people who don't get married? Obviously that is all determined by Hashem...but I thought everyone's bashert exists...is it true we can really miss it? What happens if someone else is married to them? These questions constantly swim around my head simply wondering what will be.

I know it will all be ok, but it's so hard...I feel badly for myself and my friends waiting so patiently for this all to come to an end, when we will finally be able to meet the one, to finally be able to create a home filled with Torah.

I was in Lakewood for shabbos and I saw how beautiful life is there. Their whole lives are nothing but Torah. I'm so ready to give it all up for that...I really am...I'm just waiting for the right time.

I Have Returned....

2006-12-04T10:01:00.000-05:00

So, I'm back...It's weird...I miss Israel...Where to start?

It was an incredible trip. If felt so good to be out of NY, I cannot even tell you! I spent time with my brother and sister in law, their kids (6 nieces and 1 nephew) and my mother. I went to Chevron, Kever Rocehl, Teveria, Tzfat, Amuka, Meiron etc... I davened at the kotel almost daily, I caught up with some teachers, rebbeim, and friends. I was able to go to a friends' wedding. And most importantly, I had the chance to simply walk the streets of Yerushlayim, to breathe the air of Eretz Hakodesh.

When we say 'Yerushalyim shel Zahav...' I really felt it. Watching the sun glisten on the Jeruslem Stones really made the city look golden. I look around NYC and it's dreary, black and depressing. I find myself asking...what am I doing here?! but I know it's time to get back to work etc... and when the time comes I'll be back there, for good IY"H.

I davened for everything...For the refuah of people close to me, for shidduchim of some wonderful people who want more than anything to be married, for myself that I should have the strength to be the best eved Hashem possible, and of course for Mashiach Tzidkanu.

My brother took on a new endeavor of making tefillin (yes, the actual batim) Besides the fact that I was in awe of his beautiful work, I was more in awe of the fact that his work was completely l'shem shamyim. I watched him almost every day and it was incredible. I hope Hashem allows him to succeed.

I'm so happy I had the chance to get that battery recharge I so badly needed. L'shana Haba B'yerushlayim!!!

Be Right Back

2006-11-19T08:58:00.000-05:00

I'm going to the Holy land today!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I'm so excited! To see my family, the kotel, my friends, teachers, rabbis, rebbetzins and well just about everything there!!

If you want anything, just shoot me an email....I'll update you all when I come back to SHMUTZ LA'ARETZ!

Tztchem L'shalom!

Doing good

2006-11-13T08:42:00.000-05:00

I often wonder about myself and the way I act. Not to pat myself on the back or anything but I tend to do a lot of good things for many people. I'm the person you call up when you're in a bind and need some help, you need some cheering up, a last minute babysitter, or some help cooking Thursday night. I really enjoy doing all these things. I really do but I wonder if I do it really l'shem shamayim or do I do it so that someone else will think I'm a good person.

I tend to go back and forth on this issue but I will remember what a rabbi once told me...I'm willing to die being good. Am I really? Truthfully, I've never been faced with death when trying to do something good but at the same time, there are times when I neglect myself to do good for others. For example: I might be SO tired after a long day of hard work and someone will ask me for some help with something. I will 99% of the time say yes....which is fine and great but did I do it because I wanted to really help that person out and do them a favor or did I do it because I now know that that person will think I'm G-d's gift to mankind.

You might think I'm completely crazy...but I really want to be sure I have the right motivations...at least 90% of the time. I want to be sure I am a really nice person and not completely faking people out.

ok ok ok....I'm nuts....

Sheitel Talk

2006-11-07T10:40:00.000-05:00

I went to a wedding the other night and sat at a table with some married friends (of course) We were all having a pleasant conversation until we got into the....You guessed it! Sheitel talk!!!

The conversation went something like: “I think you should perm it next time", "I just love the color!", "I paid only $35 for my sheitel to get washed and set" and on and on and on....

Really, the conversation is G-d awful. I never talk about my hair that much and it's still attached to my head but more importantly...You see that someone is single, and you know what, I don't wear a sheitel just yet! And there is more to life than talking about the latest fashion of the hair piece that is meant to be a sign of marriage.

I guess it's just one more accessory to talk about but I felt that my friends were no being sensitive to the fact that I wasn't married. I was offended enough to open my mouth and say "Hey guys, could we talk about something else?"

They stopped the conversation, thankfully. But will they realize for the next time that what they did was hurtful. I can only hope.

As for me, I hope I'd have that much guts when coming face to face with Loshon Horah...

Parents and Dating

2006-10-26T08:51:00.000-05:00

I'm sooooooooo sorry to all, I've been so busy with life that I haven't had a moment to blog (see comment on the last post...) But on with blogging...

My parents are really wonderful people and care so much about me and my well being (that is not to say that they don't care about my other siblings...but were not talking about them right now). Sometimes, they can be awfully harsh, especially when it comes to dating. But I realize where all this harshness comes from, it comes from the heart, simply that they want it so badly for me. It’s come to the point that I don't even feel bad for myself that I'm not married as much as I feel bad for my parents. I see how much it hurts them and how badly they want it, that I wish it would just happen already for their sake. They only want and dream to see me happy and to see me raise a family of wonderful children (IY”H). They are only nervous, simply that as the years pass, they get older and they will have less time to enjoy them. Fortunately, as time goes on, they become less and less judgmental of me, and less and less hurtful about the whole topic. They are beginning to realize that I'm hurting as much as they are and I want it as bad as they do and I'm not being picky or annoying, just the right one hasn't come by yet.

As of late, I've been so much happier about the whole subject. I really stopped thinking about it and stopped going crazy about it and you know what? I'm thrilled!!! I'm so busy with so many other things (basketball, several shiurim and chavrusas, new chessed opportunities etc...), who has time to be sad and lonely? I come home at night; I'm so tired that I don't really have the opportunity to dwell on it, which is great! I find myself believing (and FEELING!!) that it is all up to Hashem and everything will work out in the right time. I daven that it should be soon for me and the rest of the single boys (amazing, that I feel bad for some of them) and girls in search of their zivug. May this year be the year!

"It's ok!!!!"

2006-10-16T23:22:00.000-05:00

So I'm back from my Yom Tov vacation and I can't get over this silly phrase I heard nearly every day..."It's ok!!” People said it while others were attempting at performing mitzvos to the best of their ability and if they came short -- well the others around would simply chant 'it’s ok!!’ It's like, so what if you did half a mitzvah? What's the big deal? At least you tried! Truthfully, the attitude grossed me out. It's such a silly attitude, I felt like people we're saying, come downstairs half dressed -- It's ok!! -- When really all these people were dressed to the nines! Where did we learn about this half baked attitude towards Torah and Mitzvos? Not any institution that I attended...One's very similar to where most people attend. It hurt me, to see such an attitude and so soon after Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur!!

It makes me wonder if people really believe that Hashem isn't watching us...ALWAYS? I know it's hard to remember but at least at the point of performing a mitzvah, you would hope that someone at least would attempt to do their best. I know it's a naive approach...but I look at those who are so sincere and wish that other's were more like them...Maybe we would have a chance of Mashiach coming a bit sooner...

Anyway...it’s back to the regular scheduled programming (i.e. work...) and well, I can't say I'm all that excited -- but at least I got some nice new fancy furniture in my office ;-). Looking forward to Shabbos as always!

Dear readers...Have a great week!

Yom Kippur Tears

2006-10-10T08:33:00.000-05:00

It was a meanigful and beautiful Yom Tov. The booming sounds of all the yeshiva voices, screaming out to Hashem was powerful. You felt the intensity in the room, so strongly. You felt everyone give their all, begging and pleading with Hakodosh Baruch Hu to forgive us and bless us with happiness, health, and greater commitment to Him.

There was something that struck me so intensly. I watched one of the Rebbetzins cry, literally from the beginning to the end of davening. I wanted so badly to be in her mind and feel what she was feeling. I cried, but not like that. To feel the losses of klal yisroel as a nation - between churban habyis, aseres harugey malchut etc... It was incredible. Really.

It's been a week since Yom Kippur and I can't help hoping that I got everything in...Ya, I'm alive, but is that enough!? There is so much I davened for...for friends, family, and myself. I only hope it will be a good year.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

2006-09-27T21:16:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry for being so late with this post...I forget about all the readers I have! (Not that I don't care about you but because when I write these things, I feel like I'm writing to myself, but anyway...)

Rosh Hashana was a powerful experience. I think this is one of the few times I actually realized -- 'Anochi Afar V'afer'. Obviously I have always known this as an intellectual concept. I've known it for a long time but to really feel it and believe it...I don't know that I can say that I really understand that phrase. The Ba'al Tefillah (both days) really moved me to tears (yes, literal ones). No, they weren't tears about me and my own hardships, although it was a part of it but they were tears remembering all the hardships that my friends are facing. My friend's husband who is in the hospital, other friends who are suffering chronic diseases, friends that are divorced, my older (Relax, I mean older than me) friends who aren't married etc... I truly wonder why bad things happen to good people. So many of these people who have been affected by these hardships, I find are the people who simply want to do good for others. I know all the standard responses...I don't need to go into them but I find it so hard to accept sometimes. I also just heard a shiur on loving and fearing G-d -- but I feel so hindered. I want so badly to love him more and more, but it's so hard to love someone when you don't feel like you're getting anything back. In addition, it’s so hard to love someone when you feel as if the tools you need to love him to the best of your ability are not given to you. I just felt like a piece of nothing, in a large world, where we are completely powerless to the one above...I guess that's also the point of Rosh Hashana...so not such a bad thing....

I saw a cute poem that illustrated this point:

Dear God,
I'm writing to say I'm sorry
For being angry yesterday
When you seemed to ignore my prayer
And things didn't go my way

First, my car broke down
I was very late for work
But I missed that awful accident
Was that your handiwork?

I found a house I loved
But others got there first
I was angry, then relieved
When I heard the pipes had burst!

Yesterday, I found the perfect dress
But the color was too pale
Today, I found the dress in red
Would you believe, it was on sale!

I know you're watching over me
And I'm feeling truly blessed
For no matter what I pray for
You always know what's best!

I truly believe that Hashem does know what's best...I just daven for the ability to one day understand his ways...

Crunch Time

2006-09-18T07:59:00.000-05:00

Selichos time is here again...and I find myself davening to Hashem, begging for his forgiveness, begging that this year will be a different year. Looking back, on this past year, there is so much to be thankful for but on the flip side, there was so much pain. I have too many friends who have gone through terrible hardships, and as time goes on, I only hear more. Knowing that this was all decided last Rosh Hashana is frightening. No one davened for these terrible things to happen and I only assume these people davened with a full heart...what can we do to change their/our judgment!? Ya, I know the standard answers...daven, do mitzvos etc...but at the end of the day, all we have left is bitachon in Hakadosh Baruch Hu, that everything happens for the right reasons etc... I just find that sometimes, it's so hard to see that. When you're caught in the moment, and nothing seems to be going right in your life, you just want to say huh? What did I not do enough of this time? etc... You might even see yourself looking around at others and wondering, why it seems that their lives are fine, and are moving on, and you seem to be stuck in your own personal predicament. Whether it may be that you’re single and STILL looking for the one or your husband is stuck in the hospital with a terminal illness, each are VERY different in nature, but at the end of the day they are painful in their own right.

I mentioned in an earlier post, that it's been a difficult month as far as my spiritual growth. Funny, someone told me the other night that I was an inspiration to them. I wanted to start laughing and tell her, are you kidding? Me? I find myself going through all the motions and feeling nothing, and I’m the inspiration? I've been feeling a bit more with selichos now in full swing, but it's just not the regular me.

I heard a beautiful mashal quoted from the Shem Mishmuel by one of the YU Roshei Yeshiva. The mashal he brings down is of a community who told it's members that in order to remain a member, they must submit the sum of $10,000 by the end of the year. $10,000? That's an absurd amount of money, but everyone loved their shul and wanted very much to be a part of it. So one particular family created a bowl in their home and every day they would add just a little bit more to the bowl. Some days it was $20, other days it was 50 cents and others days it was even nothing. Sometimes, days would go by without contributing anything! A the end of the year they sat down to count their money. They saw that their daily contributions added up to the right amount! We look at the money as mitzvos. Every day should be seen as a new opportunity to add more 'money' to the bowl. Some days we may not put any in, other days we will be contributing a lot. But at the end of the day, we have to see that we are doing more good than bad. We all make mistakes. When Hashem punishes us, he's not throwing us away, so that we will be shattered and destroyed, rather he's giving us a gentle push, so that we should come back anew.

This mashal gave me so much hope, that really, I'm not that bad. I admit that I do not on any level understand Hashem's ways. I may try to understand but at the end of the day, I have no idea what he has in mind. I daven that Hashem bring me some clarity, whereby one day I will be able to see his ways and see that they really all make up a beautiful tapestry. I also daven for all those that have had their fair share of pain this year, whether it be sickness, losing friends, or any other stresses, May Hashem bless each and every one of you with a year filled with Bracha and Happiness. May it be a year of rebuilding and growth in Torah and Mitzvoth and may we be zoche to see the coming of Mashiach, G-d willing this year!

Losing a Friend

2006-09-10T20:46:00.000-05:00

It's been about a year since I lost my best friend. We were the crazy girls who were attached at the hip. We literally did everything together. We were in high school when we met. I befriended her and because she was from out of town, I brought her home with me almost every day. She was a part of my family. When she was dating her now husband, she didn't tell me till a week before she got engaged. I was shocked and hurt. She got married. I tried to keep in touch but she never returned my calls. So, I stopped. She has a beautiful daughter and she didn't even invite me over to come see her. I saw her recently at a wedding and she just didn't look happy. I know my friend, inside and out and she just didn't have that shine that I know she has.

I sit here, missing her. I miss all the times that we had and all that we shared. The laughter and the tears. I wish her well and I daven that she is happy. I hope that one day we will be able to reconnect but for now, this is the way she wanted things, so I let it be. I wish her luck in everything in her life, and I pray that Hashem shine upon her.

There have been other friends like her that I have lost, some more recent than others. I know that it's a part of life but it's sad especially when you lose them unwillingly. You sit and wonder if they miss you as much as you miss them and if they care about the fact that you've lost touch. For many I will never know the answer and I only hope that maybe some day we will reunite.

As this is a special time of year, where we should reflect on our wrongdoings, I miss my friends that made this time of year meaningful. I miss the ones that charged me full of spiritual energy and helped me prepare for this time of year. Maybe, because so many of those friends are married, moved away and what not, I feel somewhat lonely and disconnected from that spiritual energy.

I hope that my situation shapes up in the next 2 weeks. If I have to enter Yom Hadin in this state...I'll be quite nervous about my blessings for this upcoming year….

K'siva V'chasima Tova to all!

Labor Day

2006-09-04T19:30:00.000-05:00

First of all, an apology to everyone about the previous post and my opinions about my dating life but you know what? I'm soooooooooooooooo HAPPY!! I'm not worried or thinking about it anymore etc... Life's great! In addition, my post was in no way meant to offend anyone. It was simply an expression of my feelings and nothing more. Anyway, I've never really blogged in the company of others. I usually do it in a more private setting but here goes nothing!

So this weekend was nice. I got some nice outfits ready for the high holidays. Although, I just found out that my parents are probably coming to NY. I REALLY don't want to daven by my sister. I don't like the shul etc... I love my shul and feel much more at home there. Do I stand up to my parents and tell them I care more about my own personal davening than spending yom tov with them? It sounds mean and selfish but if I'm praying for my life well....I would like to spend it where I am most comfortable. I'm simply torn. I also don't want to spend the whole yom tov feeling guilty that I'm not there with them especially since I don't see my parents as often since we live far away from each other. I'll discuss it with my parents and see what they say. I didn't go home last year, even though the rest of my family went. Wish me luck.

I'm nervous for work tomorrow. I have about a month to withstand my boss' slowness. It'll be fine and I'll be fine. I just need to get through it.

In addition, Elul is here...how unprepared I am...I better get moving but for some weird reason, I don't feel particularly motivated. I feel as if I'm going through the various motions that I should be...the davening, learning etc...but I don't feel spiritually moved. I'm feeling spiritually empty in fact. I don't know what to do...any advice will be greatly appreciated!

Since I'm borrowing someone's computer I'm cutting this somewhat short. To be continued...

Weekly thoughts

2006-08-27T00:00:00.000-05:00

You mess up once...you become tainted for life. I find this so anti-teshuva. People make mistakes, and should be given the opportunity to repent. I was at a friend's apartment. She and her husband were watching TV. I sat down for a little because I didn't want to be rude and just come for what I was coming for and leave, especially in light of the fact that they are moving in a couple of days across the country. So I watched TV for an hour. Does that automatically make me not frum and completely unworthy of marrying someone yeshivish? If that's so...well, I better just give it all up now. I have made MANY mistakes and I'm sure I will continue to do so. It is not a norm for me, but it has happened. I try to be as careful as possible but sometimes we slip. This is not only in reference to TV but anything else in the same category. I know, I should never compromise on frummkeit and I generally don't as it is the most important thing in my life - but we all mess up and it's perfectly normal. If I didn't mess up, then I don't think I would be human. In addition...when does 'I messed up' stop being the valid 'excuse'? B”H I have friends from all different walks and levels of yiddishkeit. Should I stop being their friend because I’m not strong enough to control myself? I think I generally am a strong person but sometimes I’m just not strong enough…is that a crime?

On a separate note...dating...ya, I think I'm slowly resigning to the fact that I'm never getting married. I think I'll feel better with this mindset. I won't work so hard at it anymore and I won't feel bad for myself when it doesn't happen and if it does...well it's a great bonus. I dream of wanting to be a rebbetzin (don't laugh), of being the person in a community where people seek my advice etc...It's been a dream of mine for quite some time -- but it can only happen through marriage. Unfortunately, in our society it doesn't exist otherwise. So, I've shattered other life dreams and have gotten over it...what's one more?! I just long not to be envious of others' and their beautiful marriages. I just want to be happy. I don't want to look at my friends' wistfully and wonder if it will happen to me. I wish I was a better person and able to think...all in the right time, according to his plan. I know it and believe it -- but sadly, it doesn't cure my aching heart.

This shabbos was incredibly beautiful. It was so nice for the local to yeshiva to start up again. All the boys have returned and davening was so spiritually uplifting. Seeing the Rabbis that I have become so close with was incredible. I miss their kedusha. They make me anticipate every shabbos through out the week. I can't wait for their daughters to come back from the holy land, so I can spend shabbos at their homes again. Hashem should bless each one of them and their families for the happiness that they bring to everyone they touch.

He's back...

2006-08-20T22:03:00.000-05:00

Check out my post from about 6 months ago...

He's back...or so I hear...I can't help but think about him and wonder if we are meant to be and all our previous attempts, simply did not work out because Hashem did not deem it the right time. I know, many of you are thinking...'Girl, just get over it already! You deserve so much better'. I wish I could say it was that easy and I wish I could tell you that I have long forgotten him and I wish I could say that there is better out there. But the truth is, it's not easy, I haven't forgotten him, and I don't know someone better out there.

Maybe, I can't do it because I haven't dated or know anyone that I think would be the best fit for me, in terms of personality, hashkafah, family backgrounds etc...We just clicked so well (at least from my end). I wish I could stop him and say...'hey, what happened between us!?' But I know I won't, I'm just too scared. It's also so hard for me to forget about him, simply because EVERYONE who I talk to about shidduchim, thinks that we make a great match...

I still think about writing him that letter...but I don't want to scare him either...

I don't know what to do but I'm preparing myself for when I do see him...It'll probably just be a brush off...but hey, anything could happen...

Moshiach, Moshiach, Mosiach...Oy ya yoy ya yoy!

2006-08-14T09:54:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted in a while but I've been sooooooo busy, between work and what not, life has been crazy. Starting a new job can be stressful, especially when your boss decides to drop all of his tasks on you. On top of which, he can't manage his staff and because I'm #2, they all come and complain to me...including him.

But anyway....onto more important topics. So, Tisha B'av came and went...and Moshiach didn't come. I learnt an interesting vort that really put Tisha B'av into perspective for me. I learn that even though we mourn every year, our kinnos booklets (before artscroll came along) were paperback because they would be thrown out because next year Moshiach would for sure be here and we wouldn't need to mourn again. I reminded myself of the stories of the of the Chofetz Chaim where he had his bag packed, next to his door, with the most pristine clothing, ready for the minute Moshiach arrived. I wondered and continue to wonder, why I don't have my bag packed. Do I really wait for the day Moshiach will arrive? I think of packing the bag and all I can think is, well...maybe I want to wear that outfit! After all, I spent money on it! I have no concept of buying it for the sake of Moshiach...it seems so lofty and so far away...yet, I know how wrong I am for thinking in such a mindset. Unfortunately, thinking the right way seems so foreign. I wonder what the right way to approach changing my mindset would be. I would assume it's a gradual process...the question is just, where to begin.

Welcome to the 9 days

2006-07-30T13:18:00.000-05:00

I just saw this video and was completely devastated by it. Seeing adults and children alike, in a complete state of shock from rockets destroying their home, shook me. The only positive aspect was that the US is 100% behind us...B"H! But knowing the devastating impact this will have on their lives...forever...is frightening. I wince in pain, wishing every minute I was there holding their hands and whispering in their ears words of encouragement...Israel will prevail!

This is the saddest time of year for Jews, a time where suffering is rampant. Maybe this video was necessary for me in that this might be one of the few times I will ever feel the actual churban habyis. I actually feel galus. I'm not so sure that I like it....

I try to realize during the day that indeed we are being attacked and that even though I'm in my office or home, safe and sound, our nation in Eretz Yisroel is suffering terribly. May Hashem have mercy on their precious souls.

Where did I go?

2006-07-26T08:17:00.000-05:00

I've been SO busy, between work and what not that I haven't had a minute or rather the strength to sit down and write but there is so much I want to say!! Anyway, for now it will have to wait but I'll post some food for thought.

As far as jobs are concerned, I have many friends working in various different fields with different bosses and different standards. I'm lucky. I work in a Jewish organization, so most of the issues that others encounter don't come up at all. My question is: When do you tell your boss, no my religon comes first? or when do you suck it up and say, I don't have a choice. Either one is hard. Especially in the secular world in which we live, it's like shooting an arrow in the dark. Who knows if your supervisor/boss/colleague is going to take what you do and say as you just being different or as a rebel to society and therefore unworthy for you to be working with them.

looking forward to hearing other people and their oppinions and situations they found themselves in.

Israel video

2006-07-19T15:53:00.000-05:00

I saw this video and I started crying.

Maybe it's because the tune is to that of aicha. Maybe it was the pictures of people in dire anguish. Maybe I'm just scared...

TAG! You're it!

2006-07-18T23:53:00.000-05:00

So I was tagged by Sara!

So what did I have to break my fast -- A tall glass of cold OJ, and mac and cheese :-) -- It was good stuff!

I tag DYS, Mata Hari, and FromSC2NY (in my comments)

Have a GREAT day all!

Israel Under Siege

2006-07-14T10:07:00.000-05:00

I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes. I'm scared of what the future will bring for our beautiful and holy country. I watch the news with such intensity and trepidation. Every time there are casualties on the Israeli side, I think about the families and friends who are suddenly thrown into endless turmoil, with their only comfort that their son/daughter/mother/father/aunt/uncle/friend etc... died on behalf of the state of Israel. They died defending Torah, Yiddishkeit and the state of Israel.

When I returned from my year in seminary, I walked along the streets of New York feeling completely displaced. I felt like a stranger in the land that I grew up in. Slowly that displacement faded but it came back every time I returned to Israel. Yet, those feelings continue to fade. This past week, since the situation has escalated, I walk along those same streets and I feel this complete void, this displacement, this feeling of not belonging.

I know where I should be...in Israel alongside our brethren fighting for our land (maybe not necessarily in the physical sense but certainly in the emotional and spiritual sense). I just can’t help but think, as a friend of mine very well put it...'if mashiach is coming, then I certainly don't want to be here!’ I want to be there so badly...I know many of you are thinking...'well then, just go!’ I can't. I have responsibilities and what not. I wish I could be there with all my heart etc...But it's just not the right time now. Believe me when I tell you, I’ve thought about it.

I daven that we win our war and that all will return to normal -- whatever that means in the middle east. To Israel: I wish I were standing there in Israel with you, in your time of need. I’m certainly there in spirit but I just feel like it’s not enough. I pray that Hashem bring us peace or mashiach ASAP!

The Hurdle

2006-07-12T09:04:00.000-05:00

It's summer time again (wait, I think I pointed that out in a post before) anyway, for me it's a time of change and growth. Time to refocus on the year. Tisha B'av is coming, and soon after Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. I try to get ready. You know, polish myself so that maybe this year Hashem will answer my prayers. It's the time of year I like to take on new chumros or be more stringent on different Halachos or just do something that will remind me of who I am. This all started, way back when I was in seminary, when I came back to America and was uncomfortable with a certain situation. I thought that I would not be able to stay strong. So I took on an added stringency and well, it worked! I was constantly reminded of my place and worked hard to maintain it. Every year, subsequent to that I took on something new. I wanted to take on new levels of yiddishkeit to keep it fresh and new. So, I would feel motivated and not keep everything going at auto-pilot. I'll give the list of my past chumros:

Year #1 -- no more slits
Year #2 -- not exposing my leg (ie tights)
Year #3 -- being makpid on my skirts covering my knees, when standing AND sitting
Year #4 -- being sure to go to shul EVERY shabbos
Year #5 -- Wearing collared shirts at all times

Each one was SO hard. I remember starting and thinking, ‘ya right, I won’t be able to stick to it’. I was sure I was going to fail but somehow I made it through. I won’t give you the illusion that I’m perfect in every area but I try and continue to try to do my best.

Most of these deal with added levels of tznius and most are pretty normal stringencies (aside from the collared shirts...if you would like to know why I chose that, then comment on it and I will write). But most are pretty standard for girls in my framework.

I sit here contemplating what am I going to take on this year. I'm thinking about cutting all my shopping expenses. Yes, that's not buying a single article of clothing unless I absolutely need it. But I don't know if that's necessarily something that will remind me of who I am and keep my commitment to Yiddishkeit strong and unwavering but it's DEFINITELY something I need to work on. Believe me, I have more then enough for one single human being, so it's definitely time to work on that but I need something more motivating, inspiring, changing...you get my point.

I'm going to pose the question to one of my rebbeim, but maybe some bloggers out there can provide some insight. Thanx!

How to Stay Safe in the World Today

2006-07-09T15:17:00.000-05:00

Thought I should share some humor, although it's a tremendous mussar haskel!

1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20 percent
of all fatal accidents.

2. Do not stay at home because 17 percent of all accidents occur in the
home. (that's 37 % already)

3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14 percent of all accidents
occur to pedestrians. (now that's 51%)

4. Avoid travelling by air, rail, or water because 16 percent of all
accidents involve these forms! of transportation. (that's 67%)

5. Of the remaining 33 percent, 32 percent of all deaths occur in hospitals.
Above all else avoid hospitals.

You will be pleased to learn that only 0.01 percent of all deaths occur in a
synagogue, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders.

Therefore logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given
point in time is in Synagogue services. Torah Study is even safer. The
number of deaths during Torah Study is too small to register.

For safety's sake, stay alive, go to Shul as often as possible, and attend
Torah Study.

Shabbos!

2006-07-05T09:37:00.000-05:00

I had one of the most beautiful shabboses this week. I spent it with a VERY special family (who shall remain nameless, of course ;-)). The beauty that emanates from their home can only be compared to the beauty that emanates from Yerushalayim. I go to their home quite often (maybe I'm getting a little annoying ;-)). I love the smell of the chicken soup and the rest of the delicious food heating up on the blech. The beautiful sounds of the zemiros of all the bochrim singing together with the head of the household. The inspiring divrei Torah that spill forth, like a spring of water. For the woman, there are wonderful conversations about life, its meaning and our goals. Every time I go, I leave inspired and ready to tackle life. My batteries are recharged and I feel as if I could handle anything, including my crazy boss (who no longer is my boss, B"H!!). I've met an array of interesting individuals all who like me, gravitate to their home. This week was the last shabbos of the year. I am saddened that I will have to wait almost two months to experience it again. I wish them all well on each of their amazing summer plans. I know that they will be an inspiring force to all that meet them. Thank you for being my second family! Have a GREAT summer!

Movin' on out!

2006-06-30T09:01:00.000-05:00

Whoa...I’m absolutely exhausted. I'm so physically drained that my whole body hurts. I'm sitting at work (my last day!!!!!! YAY!) and I can hardly move! But wow....I have a lot to say:

1) Thank you SOOOOOOOOO.....much to all my wonderful friends who really gave me SO much of their time to help make my move (from apt A to apt B) a success. I really could NOT have done it without all of you. I know you're going to kill me, but get ready for some cake later today ;-).

2) Today is my last day at one job (I start a new job on Monday) but I'm SOOOO happy and thankful! It's been a long and difficult year. I only hope that this coming year will be filled with pleasantness! I look forward to smiling and being happy to come to work!

3) Its the summer time and so many people I hold so dear are leaving. But at the same token...school's out...no boys all over the place. I can actually walk out of my apartment and not be cowering in the shadows! Hehehe...a few weeks of this should do.

4) Sunday and Tuesday: un-packing days...my apartment is FLYING! ahhhhh!

Thank you again to all. I'll write a more concrete post soon. Just wanted to update everyone on my psycho life!

Have an AMAZING shabbos!!!

Running to the Finish Line

2006-06-26T07:59:00.000-05:00

I attended a wedding last night. It was extremely beautiful. The kallah’s dress, the guests, the food, the flowers…everything was pristine. The leibidk dancing gave the entire wedding an incredible spirit. But I sat staring at the chuppah...longingly, and thinking: 'you know, this is never going to happen to me'. I know, I know most of you reading this are probably going crazy and saying, what's wrong with you! It's not the right time...blah blah blah blah. But truth is the more time goes on, the more the actual idea becomes more foreign. I want to get married so badly, to that special someone, where we could build a life of Torah and yiras shamayim. I dream night and day about meeting him, about finally settling down in Eretz Yisrael, our one true home. The more difficult dating becomes the more I think it's never going to happen to me. I try with all my heart to be positive. I really do. I try not to talk about it or become obsessed but the truth is, I am obsessed. I want it to just be already and if it's not going to be, just tell me so I can begin the journey to accepting that.

I just want to give to that special someone. I want to give him EVERYTHING I have. I want to experience the challenge of raising a family, of making them into the best Jews possible. To teach them everything I have learnt till now and what I will continue to learn.

Truth, I don't think I ever dreamt that I would be this old and unmarried. Never in a million years. I look at people older than me and I'm so scared. I look at them and say, that's going to be me. I just know it.

I know, stop being such a pessimist. You know something, it is darn hard. I look around at all my wonderful friends, new and old and you know something? 95% are ALL married. I sat at this wedding at a table full of what!? MARRIED COUPLES! I love every single one of them but it's become pathetic. Someone even made a joke, that I'm everyone's daughter/stepchild. It's sweet but I'm still the odd one out.

I keep in perspective that there are FAR greater tzaros in this world, one's that I unfortunately, have been so privy to in the past few months. Not being married is not per say a tza'ar. It's hard but I'm not dying, chas v'shalom. B"H I have my health and so much more. I involve myself in everything around me. I use my singleness (if that's a word) to help others and take advantage of opportunities that are given to me. But at some point it becomes: 'enough! What about me!??!’ When do I get to do these beautiful things for me, for my husband, for my family?

I truly am happy for those around me that continue to get married, I really am. Sometimes it's harder to see but I just keep on running and attempting to make it to the finish line. It's so far, and I'm so clearly out of shape. Will I ever make it!?

I'm just THAT much better than you!

2006-06-19T09:20:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was my nephews Bar Mitzvah. It really was a beautiful simcha. With most of my family together, it really made the entire event so special. I missed the ones that weren't there but such is life and we hope to see them at the next one.

My sister lives in a certain yeshivish community. Over the weekend, I noticed something interesting; People often try to push their own sensitivities on you. Why is that? One of my brothers, far more charedi than anyone any of you have probably met, never acts in that manner. He accepts everyone for who they are, and teaches simply by example. Other's say 'well, you know you shouldn't be doing that'. No offense, but who are you!? You're not g-d and you're not holier than thou'.

My theory on this whole issue is that the people that attempt at pushing their sensitivies on you, are not comfortable with who THEY are. If you're not comfortable with your own level, you feel the need to get the 'one up' on someone.

I'm not perfect in this area, and sometimes, I may tell people, 'well, I do this...' but I certainly make effort not to discuss my religous preferences with those I think may not understand. Why make people feel bad? People have the ability to make their own choices. You're not anyone else's mashgiach but you're own.

I Lost One

2006-06-13T16:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I bumped into someone I used to be friendly with in college in my student council days. We were always religously VERY different (he more modern, me on the yeshivish side of things) and as time moved on, we grew apart. I would bump into him every now and then, chat it up and see how life was but that would be it. He was always struggling to get into medical school and well last night he told me that he got in. I was so proud.

I was sad, because since college, his religous level continued to decline. And well, he barely keeps shabbos these days. My heart aches when I see him and I can't help but wonder, if I could have helped him. What hurts more is that he's such a good person with a good heart and he's just been hurt so badly (different relationships he's had with girls which I had set him up back in the college days) that unfortunately he attributes all the negative things in his life as G-d's fault, rather than as a test or a gift from Hashem that we may not understand.

I haven't stopped thinking about him all day. I daven that Hashem should save him. I hope he fulfills his dream in life of becomming the doctor he's always wanted to be, and maybe, just maybe he will return to Hashem.

A Tragedy

2006-06-11T00:22:00.000-05:00

I'm not exactly sure where to begin with this post. What I'm about to write is going to be so difficult to get out, so it might take some time.

My best friend lost her first child in labor about 4 days ago. I know we hear of many tradgedies, but I feel as I have probably been hit with the worst. I spent the day with her in the hospital, while her husband went home to get some rest after not sleeping for the last few days. Most of the day was fine. Her sisters and parents came by etc.

But when everyone left and we were alone and had girlfriend talk, everything came out. We cried together for almost three hours. Crying about the dreams that have been completely shattered, literally, right out of her arms. She told me how she held the baby after he had died and all she wanted to do was to hold onto him forever. How all she wants is to be a mother.

This put everything in my life into perspective. I can't imagine complaining about petty things, after being involved with a tradgedy like this. Dating is hard? ok maybe. I dream of a life together with somene etc...Losing a child is having all those same dreams, taken away from you, forever.

I thank Hashem she has an incredible husband and family who are all there for her. I thank Hashem for blessing me with such special people in my life. My friend continued to cry and told me how badly she didn't want to be jealous of other people's children and babies. She really just wanted her own. She doesn't want to go around thinking, "why them and not me?". I found it so amazing that in the midst of her own tradgedy, she was able to be focused and sensitive to others.

I was lucky enough to spend shabbos with wonderful families. One who I go to on a pretty much regular basis. They gave me the ability to snap back into reality and focus on the kedusha of shabbos. Something that usually comes more easily, where as this week it was a bit harder for me. For this, I thank them. For giving of themselves to me, week after week, an allowing me to share in their awesome experience of shabbos.

For some the story of my friend may seem obvious: This is the way Hashem wanted it. To most, we ask, how could he do this? I wish I was on such a level to say it was a gift from Hashem. Maybe this is his way of testing me, a pretty tough test at that.

I sit here with tears streaming down my face, partaking in my friend's pain. We may never understand Hashem's ways but we can daven that Hashem give her the complete strength to face life.

Chasdei Hashem

2006-06-04T21:44:00.000-05:00

You know, I often get depressed or better yet...sidetracked about what Hashem's master plan is. I often wonder, well, what in the world could he possibly be waiting for? and more importantly, what about the less fortunate than I? The ones who are older and getting older and yet, have still not found their bashert? Well, today was a day filled with bracha. I heard of a simcha of a girl, 29 years old who B"H just became a kallah. I'm really filled with joy. She herself is an incredible individual and is deservant of the best husband. But more importantly, I sit here and think, there's hope yet...Hashem should grant each of us the proper chizuk to find our bashert's. In the right time, according to His plan.

Summer Time is Here Again...

2006-05-31T22:49:00.000-05:00

So, it's summer time. Truth, it's not my favorite time of year, but it's not bad for a runner up. The sunshine and the occasional breeze are nice to enjoy. Yet, the humidity brings upon the yetzer horah. Layers of tznius are peeled off and leave us exposed, literally and figuratively.

As, I have friends from all circles of life, I was faced with a dilemma. I went to meet a friend to work on a project and she was wearing (gasp!) short sleeves. Obviously, it's not something I do or condone but I'm not one to go around giving people mussar. Who am I to judge? In fact, I happen to know she knows better but maybe this is just wear she wants to be. She's a smart girl and can decide for herself.

The dilemma arises within me. I was positively embarrassed to be sitting outside with her. Boys are walking by and obviously looking. Forget the fact that they are already curious as to what crazy girls are sitting on the benches. I'm willing to give that up. I would honestly have chosen to sit out of sight but I didn't care all that much about sitting outside. But the whole time, all I could think about was: "What do they think of me?"

People, unfortunately are judgmental by nature. In addition, one is consistently judged by their friends. If you look at a person’s friends you can tell a lot about who they are. A certain Rosh Yeshiva, who knows me walked by. I wanted to run up and say: "I'm so sorry! Don't worry this is not me!".

In fact I don’t think I would care as much, had it not been the fact that a number of people this year approached me about the issue. They told me that often times, people get the wrong idea about be because I may hang out with a more modern crowd. It’s not that I don’t trust myself but having been in more modern settings for most of my life, obviously, more modern acquaintances are a inevitable. I know my boundaries and am able to know when I won’t feel comfortable and walk away from the situation.

I'm embarrassed that I think this way. In fact, I wonder what I felt like last year. Have my sensitivities changed or did this friend of mine just dress more tzniusly... I don't know the answer. I really don't. I feel so bad and I want to be warm and welcoming. What should I do??

Commencement

2006-05-28T07:54:00.000-05:00

This past Thursday was Commencement at the university I work for. It was a touching ceremony, in that it was the end of yet, another cycle. I watched on like a proud parent, feeling only great admiration that they have come to the actualize a dream many of us have, in graduating college. It is a privelege and an opportunity. It is the opportunity they can only continue to actualize.

One of the awardees at the ceremony spoke about what it means to be free. He, having has his childhood under the nazi regime, grew up an under priveleged life. He never had the opportunity to dream of the future, all he thought of was how to stay alive. A very different life, than the ones we live here in America. Yet, all I kept thinking of was: are we really free? True, we are not persecuted based on our religon as was done under the Nazis but I look around me and I see that we are slaves to society. People die, trying to be better then their neighboor along with loads of other nonsense. Do we really appreciate the freedom we were given that our grandparents in Europe did not have? Do we live, breath and follow the words of the Torah like we should? After all, we are free!

What does it mean to be free? I think it means having priveleges and opportunity. I'm sure it means something else to others but daven that we actually actualize that which we has been denied for so much time...The freedom to perform mitvos like we should. Hashem should grant each of us the ability to overcome society and serve him the best way we can.

Help.....

2006-05-26T11:40:00.000-05:00

This job search is making me crazy. period. I just want to know what I will be doing. Maybe g-d isn't allowing anything to work out because I should be focusing my chochot on something else. Maybe I'm not as capable as I think I am. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe Maybe Maybe. HELP! There is a job about to open up, that I REALLY want...but I don't know that I'll get it. More importantly, I can't throw all my eggs into one basket. Someone else had mentioned something and I want to ask her about it but I feel like, she'll tell me when she's ready. Or maybe I should just get on with it and ask. I feel like in a month I'm going to be poor and on the street (chas v'shalom). This anxiety is making me physichally and mentally exhausted. I can't study (for my DATs...yes, I'm taking them). Oy. I got a fortune today and it read: You are talented in many ways. I wish I felt that way. Just daven that everything should work out the way it is supposed to.

Einstein

2006-05-19T09:30:00.000-05:00

Ready to shepp (not sure how to spell that...) some nachas? So, almost 3 years ago I was walking to catch a train and I bumped into a guy whom I worked in camp with (yes, my only summer co-ed experience, we'll discuss my trauma from that some other time). We said hello to eachother, I asked him what he was studying in college and he told me he was pre-law but he told me this in the most unenthusiastic voice I have ever heard and I told him so! He told me his parents really wanted him to go into law but I made it clear to him that he was so unhappy and he was only 21 at the time, why waste a whole life so young!? Well, he told me he had thought about medical school and I told him if that's what you want, go for it! and he did! he enrolled in biology and took all the appropriate courses. I heard rumors constantly that I destroyed his life. All he did now was study! We'll everything came full circle. He called me to tell me he got into medical school, the one of his choice. He was even kind enough to say thank you and that he would have never done it had it not been for me knocking some sense into his head. It taught me something important...you NEVER know the impact you could have in someone's life. I barely knew/know this guy but I changed his life.

The Wedding

2006-05-17T21:25:00.000-05:00

Last night, I attended the wedding of a guy I knew from a camp I worked at a number of summers ago. He apprently invited me, because a girl I set him up with led him to his now wife. B"H you never know what could lead to what. But the whole situation was awkward. I didn't know any of the girls but undoubtedly I knew all of the boys from camp. Many came over to say hello, but I felt so awkward and so wrong. I have worked so hard, more this year than ever to really free myself from these situations. To not put myself where I would have to talk to these boys because this is not who I am or want to be. It's already hard enough that most live in my community and I see them around so often, if not daily. I've been pretty good but I was faced with it in a way I haven't been faced with it before. I almost didn't feel so bad because no one that would care even saw me. But I felt bad for being such a hypocrite. I hope Hashem forgives me and realizes I simply went for the sake of simchas chosson v' kallah.

27 and Single

2006-05-17T21:19:00.000-05:00

So at the Lag Ba'omer party I went to, I met the sister of one of my younger brother' friends. She told me she was 27 and single. I was so sad for her. I wish I knew older guys to set her up with (she wasn't willing to date anyone younger) but I don't. But I couldn't stop thinking about her since the party. Maybe it's because if she could get to be 27 and single, there is no doubt in my mind that it could happen to me too. Sadly, it's not so far away...a mere 2 years... I'm so scared, so scared that it will never happen. I'm sad for her and all other girls in her plight...May Hashem help us all...

Am I wrong?

2006-05-16T09:53:00.000-05:00

I attended a lag ba'omer party for single girls. It was nice, I got to see some friends and relax. A girl got up to give a D'var Torah and she went on to say how all single girls should unite. That we should get together and enjoy each others' company, whether it be having shabbos meals together or just getting together as a group of single girls. I couldn't help but think, is it really such a good idea to have single girls congregating all the time, when all discussions inevitably lead to dating. I'd rather be with different families that I know, who bring about a special aura of shabbos, which I would never get if I would spend it with single girls on a Friday night. Dating is hard enough as it is. Who wants to spend shabbos talking about it? I'd rather hear the all inspiring words of the Torah. It's the only thing that will provide any sort of nechama to my/our plight.

How Could it Be?

2006-05-14T20:48:00.000-05:00

On Friday, I accompanied a foreign student to a Dr’s office to pay her bill. On our way there, we had some basic idle chit chat, she told me she was having a hard time manipulating the administration to cut her some slack (she wanted to take a certain summer school class but there was some silly rule preventing her from doing so) and that she just wanted to do the right thing and do the best she could. After all for her, being in America was a golden opportunity. After a little bit of probing, she told me she didn’t have any real friends with her in college. She spent most of her shabbosim in her room alone. She came to America just to be near her boy friend. She missed the closeness that existed amongst peers, back in her home town. She told me that here, if you didn’t fit in a certain group, you were just left out. She wanted to badly to be responsible, to make some money but her foreign status prevented her and all it did was drive her crazy. All I wanted to do was break down and cry and tell her I would be her friend. I wanted to hold her hand and give her the strength to carry on. The strength that one day everything will be right.

I wondered how it could be that she, in a Jewish institution, was completely over-looked. How could it be, that no one had the heart to sit down next to her and be her friend? And she was so sweet and nice! She kissed me good-bye and I vowed in my heart that I would do my best to make her stay here in America, more pleasant.

The Single Shabbaton

2006-05-12T07:49:00.002-05:00

I was going to ignore it completely but after having a truly disturbing conversation about it, I felt I needed to say something. What has the Jewish world come to? A screening process for individuals who simply want to find their bashert? and allowing 20 year olds to go? What are we educating to our children? I'm literally shocked, pained and amazed that this is what the Jewish people have come to. I'm not against the shabbaton bishita. In fact I think it's a great idea! As long as it's done with sensitivity and desire to truly help others. AND I've even been to one where they were SO careful and although I was the odd one out, I really enjoyed myself and made a kesher with a wonderful shaddchan. I hope that the 20 year old girls going realize that they are not desperate and the ones that didn't get to go, don't think they are nobody's because they didn't get in. And the people that created the shabbaton, I hope they had real intentions of making shidduchim, rather than having a 'who's who' shabbaton.

It's Amazing...

2006-05-11T10:22:00.000-05:00

I have yet to understand what engagement does to people, that they suddenly forget that there is a world and people with feelings around them. It amazes me how people who cried day and night over their plight (of not being married) are now happily engaged or married and their friends become completely insignificant. Unfortunately, I am and have been faced with this phenomenon too many times to count and all it does is pain me. I have one friend at this point in time who made and continues to make (even a year later) every effort to include me in her/their life. She graduated from Social Work school (yesterday!!) and like a proud friend went, because I knew she would want me there, to be a part of her milestone. My day was only tainted (as it is every day) when I returned home. I walk in to my own home/apartment like a complete and total stranger. My roomate and her chosson/fiance (whatever you prefer to use) are ALWAYS over, from the minute I get home to the minute (and well after the time) I go to sleep. You would think that they would say hi, how was your day, but it's never like that. I just walk in say hello (no acknowledgement) and go on my merry way (all the way over to my room). It's depressing sometimes and more so I am amazed that a ben and bat Torah act in such a way, with absolutely no considertation to another individual. I have yet to be invited to have a meal with them or to even join in a conversation. It's always them...and me. I thank Hashem it's almost over (1 more month) and I pray that I never do this to anyone. If I do, feel free to let me know...even if it requires literally hitting me over the head.

Chessed

2006-05-07T01:17:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to write this post for quite some time. I think I've come to terms with being single. It's still hard and I still want to get married more that you can imagine but there is a reason why it is this way. Being single has really given me the opportunity to help people with literally anything. Whether it be to help a friend mark her papers for school, cook for someone in the hospital, sleep over when a friends' husband is away etc... These are all things I would NEVER be able to do, if I were married. I truly thank Hashem for giving me the opportunity to do so much chessed. I truly look forward to every chance I get. Truth is, I better get all the shamayim points I can now because there will be a point when time and opportunities will be limited. A famous phrase that we should all learn from...

"Im lo achshav, ematay?" ; "If not now, when?"

Tza'ar

2006-05-01T23:48:00.000-05:00

This past week was a tough one. My friend's mother had passed away after batteling with cancer for several years and another friend of mine's husband had surgery to replace one of his heart valves after discovering he had a severe heart murmor. There are so many targic things that I've been hearing about and I wonder was the world always filled with these things? Or are we now only finding out about them, whereas in our childhood we were constantly protected from them? I don't know the answer but all this is a little too much for one's plate. I only daven that Hashem bring them comfort and that we should only hear besoros tovos.

Sorry...

2006-05-01T22:48:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry for freaking out all my readers. I really just wanted to get it off my chest. He's a great guy and from the little I know, he is everything that I'm looking for in a future husband. For all I know the right one will be nothing like this guy or anything I imagine 'him' to be. We will just wait and see... I'll also probably feel a lot better when I date a good guy...and I mean a GOOD guy.

Where oh, where can he be?

2006-04-25T21:01:00.000-05:00

I debated a long time whether to bring up shidduchim on my blog. I've reffered to it before but I haven't talked about it in a while. I decided I wanted to share something pretty personal. I decided to share my deepest thoughts...

I went out with a guy 2 years ago we went on several dates and ended it because he refused to share a part of who he was with me. 2 years later, while I was in Israel he agreeded to meet me again. We met, and I saw that all the things I like about him then were still there but at the end of the date I knew nothing had changed from his side. I wrote a letter to him. I thought about sending it to him, but decided against it. What do you think?

Dear XXXX,

After davening through out yom tov, hoping that maybe this time Hashem will hear my aching heart and my heartfelt pleas, I truly wondered what Hashem desired of me. What is it that I need to do, in order to be zoche to meet the right one. I find that shidduchim was and continues to be a truly humbling experience. I know that with almost anything in life, one could work so hard to attain their desires. Whether it be a good grade, learning, or a job -- we know it's only attainable by asserting a certain amount of effort. It's true by shidduchim as well, that one should put in all the hishtadlus they possibly can...but I find that at the end of the day, we are completely at Hashem's mercy. Like you, I have shed many tears hoping that Hashem will one day hear my cry. With that, I wonder why Hashem has placed you into my life. Was there something I was supposed to learn? or was it simply Hashem 'teasing' me and telling me here is something you cannot have? I wonder....After we first went out, I allowed myself to somewhat forget about you. I didn't dwell on it or wonder what happened, after all I was still young and was not at the point of shedding tears over shidduchim even if I wanted it to happen. But as time went on, I thought more and more about you. I wondered where we went wrong and would it be possible to rectify our differences. I looked after your whereabouts to discover you were in Eretz Yisroel, learning. So, I forgot about you once again. I thought about you again, when I realized I would be coming to Eretz Yisroel. I decided 'hey, what do I have to lose?', as I was convinced that you would not agree. I figured that if you had all desired to rekindle anything you would have done what you needed to do. I was ever more convinced of your response when ZZZZ returned and told me that he had spoken to you (without my knowledge). So, when I received a response from Rav YYYY ( I sent the email while ZZZZ was Eretz Yisroel) I was completely shell shocked. I didn't know what to say or think. I was terrified of meeting you again! I tried to imagine what it would be like, what would I say etc...I sought out tremendous amounts of hadracha to prepare for the meeting. I was so nervous, I arrived at the date 45 minutes early!! All this time, I had so many questions...one's that I wanted to ask so badly just to cure my wondering soul. At least, even if it wouldn't work out, I would have some answers. But I followed the advice I was given and pushed my questions aside. We met, and the date went well despite my nervousness but I knew at the end of the date, that nothing had changed in your mind. That whatever bothered you 2 years ago, bothered you again. I wanted to know so badly what it was, to get the chance to talk about it or at the very least have something to give me some respite. When I received your response and that it came with no reason, I can't say I was surprised but I will tell you that I hung up the phone and cried uncontrollably in my sister-in-law's arms. I just wanted to know why? Why would Hashem do this to me? and more importantly, why would a kind boy such as yourself, want to hurt me? You are one of the kindest people I know, I couldn't imagine why you would want to torture my soul. I immediately assumed that you had no idea how much I hurt, otherwise you would have supplied some sort of reason. I cried for a good hour. I then departed to the kotel to cry some more, I returned home and cried with my brother hoping for some words of chizuk. For the remainder of the week, I davened to have a menuchas hanefesh, hoping that there would be some light on to the situation. I cried so much, at every thought about shidduchim, and even the small brochos I received from yerushalmi ladies wishing me to find my zivug soon and return to build a home in Eretz Yisroel. During that week, I thanked Hashem for allowing me to go through this tekufah while I was here in Eretz Yisroel, to be able to so close to my rebbeim, bothers and schinat Hashem to help me through. I found out through a friend that you said no, because I wasn't aidel, a VERY true statement. But I wonder why would you need to date me again if you knew this fact two years ago? on top of which, why would you need 4 hours to date me to realize this fact as well? Although, this very well might be the answer (that I'm not aidel), I truly believe that there is more here, something deeper. It is almost impossible to know someone's true self in a few short hours. I know for certain that you do not know me well. You may have a glimpse but I am sure that you do not know the whole me. Similarly, I don't know the whole you. Two individuals can only truly determine that they are not for each other, when giving each one the chance to know the other (Unless, there is no such chance of coming to a compromise). When searching for a shidduch, each party desires to have the other bring out certain cochos that they may posses. Although, we are thousands of miles away from eachother, I daven that Hashem give us a chance to show each other our true colors. Even if we were to end our separate ways, I believe that it would only be one step closer to finding our one true bashert. I get this sense that you are scared to let go. To let go of your inner self. I, too am scared. I'm terrified of being vulnerable but I realize that sometimes one must become vulnerable to achieve that which they most desire. I would be thrilled for you to reconsider but more importantly I desire a simple explanation of your reasons for your rejection. I write this letter as a last resort, my last hope of achieving some peace of mind and as a small taste of my vulnerability.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon,

IMM

I just wish this could all be removed from my brain, my heart, my soul.... Just peace of mind, why can't I just forget him???

Happy Birthday!

2006-04-24T21:37:00.000-05:00

I returned from Pesach. It wasn't as bad as in previous years, but maybe it's because I became completely anti-social while down there. I think the only times I left my apartment during yom tov were to go to shul, which is in my building, not too far away. The only reason I was sad to leave is missing my mom. I miss having a mom close by to be there for you. I know she's always available for me but it's not the same as having her around. Besides, if you know my mom, she's just one of the coolest people you'll ever meet. More on her another time...

This past sunday was my English 24th birthday. I'll be celebrating my Hebrew birthday on friday IY"H.

I was reflecting during the day, that I obviously don't feel older, in fact I still feel like a kid but I know that in reality I'm no longer a kid but as time goes on, I'm becoming more and more of an adult. I miss the innocence of our childhood, where there were hardly any worries. It might sound childish but sometimes the going gets so tough you just want to sit down and finger paint and not have to worry about anything else.

Wishful thinking, huh?

Pesach Time is Here, Again...

2006-04-11T22:49:00.000-05:00

Pesach comes to me with such a mix of emotions. It used to be my favorite holiday, when we spent it in the comfort of my home, with all memebers of my family gathered, the delicious yom tov food and the beautiful spring time weather.

Unfortunately, we started going away EVERY year and it's just not the same. Eventhough everyone is here, we now live in the center of hock, where every Jew has literally migrated to. I hate the fakeness that they bring -- the fact that their whole yom tov is based simply on how many outfits can they wear in a day etc... The lack of Tznius and the total disrespect for the chag is just so appaling in my eyes that I now detest the holiday.

I read a beautiful Dvar Torah by Rav Shimson Dovid Pinkus zt"l (yes, my not so secret obsession) where he basically talks about how much we have lost focus of the real purpose of Pesach. So many of us are SO obsessed with making sure every little thing is done in the most machmir of ways and yet, when it comes to yom tov, we forget to learn Torah which is really what this Chag is all about.

I hope that your chag is much nicer than mine, I'm sure I'll reflect more on my feelings post chag but till then Chag Kasher V'sameach!!

Venting Session

2006-04-05T08:12:00.000-05:00

First things first. I'm going to give a shout out to my 2 good friends and faithful readers out in the holy land! Thanx for making my trip there the best and thanx for finally commenting on my blog!

On other news, life has been insane since I've come home. Interestingly enough, I've met with a Rosh Yeshiva, and 2 other shaddchanim but I have this wacky feeling that there just aren't any guys around. Every guy someone mentions, either won't say yes to me, isn't shayach or we've dated. I can't even say: "well, we'll wait for the new crop" because they'll be far too young! So...I'm a bit stuck. I'm considering going to Israel but who knows if that will actually materialize. I want to be sure I'm making the right decision via shidduchim. Life is so scary...

And then of course comes the whole yeshivish debate in my head...is it really that important and can I really not live without it. I want to get married so badly that I feel like I should start compromising, but why compromise on my account of not being happy??? It's such a crazy debate in my head....I just wish I knew what G-d wanted of me....

I wish things were in place for next year ie. a job, a place to live etc.... The whole thing is making me a bit nervous....

Oy!!!!!

P.S. my birthday is coming up...April 23...I will be the ripe old age of 24!

Welcome back

2006-03-30T01:48:00.000-05:00

So I'm back from the holy land! What a trip!!!! I literally could not have asked for better. It's strange to be back and literally into the full swing of things but hey such is life! I can't wait to go back...

Off the Derech

2006-03-23T04:16:00.000-05:00

Having traveled to different parts of the Holy land for different Torah U'mada lectures, I finally enjoyed one! This last one took place in Ramat Beit Shemesh where we heard a number of speakers on the topic of Chinuch and the best ways to educate our children.

I kept hearing about the negativity that so many chidlren are exposed to in the frum education system. Some make it our alive and others are tainted for life and are known as those that have gone off the derech.

I wondered the entire time why this was so and unfortunately I was given a very strange answer. One that I knew about deep down. One of the speakers told me that so many individuals are so scared to go out into the real world that they want to find jobs only within the Torah world. So eventhough they might be bad educators they are the ones with these jobs, because there is nothing better for them to do.

It pains me so much that this is what the Jewish people have come to. What are we doing to our children? What message are we sending them? We should be sending messages of love for Torah not 'last resort'!! I hope that I will have the ability to save my children from these evil educators and hopefully raise them with love and tolerance.

Catch up...

2006-03-21T00:20:00.000-05:00

So I've discovered I have many readers...amazing how things get sent around...

So I'm here in the holy city of Yerushalayim. I decided to blog in my spare few minutes to possibly convey my excitement. Just being in the land and experiencing the holiness that fills every nook and crany.

One might be put off by the harshness of Israeli society but at the end of the day it's the pnemius what counts. Where else do we see bus drivers waiting for people to get on or off or little old ladies who you've never met and probably will never see again, giving you brochos that you should find your zivug speedily.

Every time an Israeli asks me if I'm moving to Israel, tears well up in my eyes knowing that probably the only thing holding me back is the lack of a husband. You might argue that he could be here...This is true but at the same token a)I don't know that and b)If he's possibly interested in learning for the rest of his life, well I better start working towards making a parnassah available in order to make it possible.

I've spoken with most of my rabbonim ganing as much chizuk as I can, attempting at gaining insight to my life and how to make myself a better and stronger eved Hashem.

I had the opportunity over Purim to see the Gadol Hador Rav Elyashiv. Only in Israel do you have such an opportunity! I spent today at Kever Rachel. I hadn't been there in at least 6 or 7 years -- definitely well before the intifada when I spent two amazing years learning here. Tomorrow a special trip to Chevron...

I truly wish I could stay here forever. I feel so at home, everything feels so right. I wish I could tell the future...but hey don't we all wish that!

I'll be sure to write more when I get back!

With regards from Yerushalyim...

Shabbos

2006-03-07T00:29:00.000-05:00

Shabbos this week was an incredible experience. Aside from the biting cold, distasteful 'drasha' and a guy who basically told me he stalks me, it was so inspiring.

I spend Friday night with some friends at a Rosh Yeshiva's home. He could't stop spewing stories. Each one only showed the greatness of Hashem. Each one spoke to me, telling me that there is SO much good in the world, if only we would look for it. It also taught me how things always work out exactly the way they are supposed to.

I cried during davening on Shabbos morning. I was thinking about my upcoming trip and the feelings that I will have once I'm there.

It really was just amazing and am only looking forward to this coming shabbos at the homes of more of the great spiritual leaders that I live nearby.

I hope that when I move next year, I will be able to maintain these close connections which I cherish so much.

Welcome to the Holy Land

2006-02-27T10:42:00.000-05:00

IY"H I will be arriving in Israel in time for Purim. Tears of joy continue to come to my eyes every time I think about being there. Shockingly, I have not been back to the holy land in approximately 4 years (yes, 4 years) numerous things had come up that did not allow me to get there but I'm going now and I cannot wait to be there. To see many rebbeim who I have formed such close ksharim with over my 2 years of learning and to see my family who I miss dearly.

As far as family goes, I have 2 brothers one with 5 nieces and 1 nephew there. It's so hard to be away from them, knowing that they are all growing up so fast. My heart is literally bursting with joy, knowing that I will be with them soon and see all their sweet smiles.

I'm only scared, I'm not going to want to leave.....maybe it's a sign....

Camp SOY 2006

2006-02-17T15:10:00.000-05:00

The Seforim Sale is back in full swing! I tried to stay away but just realized how much I mised it or maybe it's the lack of excitment that is occupying my life at this time that I feel the need to latch on to something. I enjoy the thrill and most importantly the power. No, I'm not that power hungry type that feels the need to put people down to make themselves look better. It's the power of knowledge that I'm enjoying. It's knowing which seforim we have and don't have and which ones would suit the needs of a customer etc...I think it comes from a love of pleasing people, but it's really enjoyable.

One thing I am noticing is my undying love for seforim. Some people have their obsessions about girls/boys and me -- well my disease lies in the fact that I love seforim. Most people say it's a good thing and I don't thin it's entirely bad, although I think I will go WAY overboard at some point.Hopefully it'll make my husband happy someday -- that we actually own a nice libary!

Anyway, Shabbos is coming!! Time for some rest!

Ethical Dilemmas

2006-02-09T17:38:00.000-05:00

I attended a meeting today for my entire department. We discussed the touchy subject of what to do with students who have learning disabilities. The session was given by the Dean of a medical school. He went through various issues and attempted at providing solutions to them. But all I kept hearing is that each academic insitution is faced with the challange of where do you draw the line. When do you say 'no, you can't do it'. You don't want to discourage students and you don't want to lose all credibility by letting all hell break loose but I wonder what do you tell the aspiring doctor or lawyer who is dislexic or learning disbaled (they need time and a half or double time on exams etc.) that you just won't make it. How can you squash someone's dreams?

The other side of me says, well, how can you let these people be doctors if they cannot be counted on to appropriately diagnose a patient in a short amount of time. And if they have failed too many exams or what not, does it mean they are challanged or do they simply not know the information?

I realized all too clearly the harshness of the world we live in. I don't blame academics, after all we're dealing with the lives of the many citzens of the world but at the same time it's just to harsh for me to envision sitting a student down and telling them they can't make it. Their poor fragile ego... I can't imagine being told that. I feel like everyone deserves a chance but everyone as to proove themselves. There can be compromises made but at the end of the day there has to be a standard.

I just hope I never have to squash someone's life long dreams...

Flowers Aren't Enough

2006-02-09T17:27:00.000-05:00

Last night, I attended an all women's performance titled, "Flowers Aren't Enough". It is a one man show performed by a women named Naomi Ackerman. The story is of a women who suffered through an abusive relationship. It started off as verbal abuse and only escalated to full blown physical abuse. Naomi really gets into the charachter and alows you to fully comprehend the experience of an abusive relationship.

I can't say I enjoyed it, as it reminded me all too clearly of boys I've dated and friends of mine that are married to such individuals. Lucky for me, I was able to save myself but my heart aches for my best friend. I don't know for sure if she's in such a relationship and I daven everyday that she is safe but unfortunately, the time-line of events has only pointed the finger that her husband is an abusive individual.

As I watched the show and listened to the questions and answers given during the Q&A session, all I wanted to know was how do you tell someone that you think they are in such a relationship. You don't want to hurt them, especially if you're wrong but at the same time you want them to know that you're there for them and you care for them. Unfortunately in our society, people are all too quick to shove things under the rug, rather than to approach things head on. I just don't want to be that person when the truth does come out, that failed her friend and didn't save her. It just makes me feel like a coward and maybe I am one but I don't know the right solution.

I only daven that she and her baby are safe and that these are all simply terrible thoughts and that they are all wrong and she truly is happy and content with her life.

And Just How Frum are You?

2006-02-06T10:17:00.000-05:00

After chatting it up with one of my roommates, I've decided that life is just so backwards. I could try to think pure thoughts, especially while dating but if the guy is thinking inappropriate thoughts...well then, all mine go to waste (seemingly, at least). My roommate was trying to make me believe that guys are simply animals with one thing on their mind and that girls are not really all that much different. I believe it, I really do but I wonder about how weird I really am, if I'm not thinking like these people. Does it drift through my mind at some point? Sure...but not at this incredible intensity that my roommate had painted for me. I've never felt so alone in a way of thinking...but maybe I am one of a few who really think in a pure manner (no, that was not to pat myself on the back).

I think what bothers me most is simply that we are taught to be of pure mind and that so many of us fail. It's not something were taught once or twice but something we're probably taught EVERY DAY! I always wonder what Hashem is thinking...A)"I know, it's so hard and you're doing great, just keep working at it" or B)"You bunch of sickos!". At the end of the day...I have no idea (obviously) but I hope that others have ingrained (and if they haven't, will ingrain) these lessons into their lives.

Happy and Sad Boiled Into One

2006-02-05T00:50:00.000-05:00

Shabbos always comes to me with a mix of emotions. I have this all encompassing feeling that this is the day of rest and I am serving Hashem as He has commanded us. I finally have the opportunity to daven peacefully with a minyan (no, I'm not a femnazi...I just enjoy the shul experience) spend the day with special people (Roshei Yeshiva families, friends and what not) etc.

Yet, inevitably I am mixed with sorrow over the very fact I'm not married. I wish I could bring guests home to my house for a warm, delicious meal and inspire people with Torah the way I'm inspired every shabbos. I would love to watch my husband quiz my children about the parsha and anything else they learnt in school, share inspiring stories with our guests and have them share their life experiences with us. I just wish I could share these special moments filled with warmth and love for Torah and Hakodosh Baruch Hu on His special day. Unfortunately, all I can do is wait for that time to come. Sadly, I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Sounds depressing, I know. Not that it isn't but it's incredible to me that this feeling only comes to me on Shabbos. I don't know if it's where I generally stay for Shabbos or simply the onset of Shabbos.

I guess I just envision the ultimate serving of Hashem with your family and guests around. Unfortunately, I don't see being single as the way to go. I know, I know Hashem wanted it this way now etc etc but I'm SO ready to move on and I get this way every shabbos. At least during the week, these thoughts are more dulled. Maybe because shabbos is the only time I simply have the chance to even think about my singlehood, or anything for that matter...

Ugly Duckling

2006-02-03T10:42:00.000-05:00

SO, it's possible I'm harping on this subject but I just heard about a guy who didn't want to go out with me because I'm ugly. I never thought I was Miss hot stuff, but I also never realized that I was so hideous. Maybe because this all happened in the span of a week that I'm feeling like this...but man oh man... I need to get out of this funk, that's for sure...

Maybe

2006-02-01T10:20:00.000-05:00

So, I'v been dating now for close to 5 years (phew, long time...all suggestions are accepted)and I can't help but wonder if I'm looking for the wrong thing. I tell people I want someone 'yeshivish' but maybe that's not what I need. Maybe I'm just becoming impatient. And maybe there are just so many unknowns I just don't know anything anymore! I'm slowly feeling more and more lost. Without a career direction, a marriage partner or anything I feel like one big (fat) question mark! Oh and by the way...this week I'm back to dental school. I feel like I just need one person to come over to me and say...don't worry you're doing and looking for the right thing. Maybe that will cure all anxiety (ya, right).

Feeling Ugly

2006-01-31T16:35:00.000-05:00

I just dated a guy recently who decided to inform me that I was overweight. I started crying on the phone. I know I'm not a toothpick, nor that I am beautiful but the idea of someone telling me that is just unbearable. And after all that he STILL wanted to date me...

Unfortunately, this isn't the first time a guy has decided to inform me about my lack of attractivness...to my face... but I have yet to understand why they are still interested in dating me! I mean if they liked me that much, wouldn't they understand that something like that would hurt me!?!?!

I happen to be on a diet for my own personal well being, but it makes me wonder about what people really view as important in marriage. It's so hard and I can't help but wonder if in fact it is true that this is what is preventing me from finding my one true bashert...

Israel

2006-01-30T16:02:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've last blogged...but we're back!

So I've been hearing about everyone's trips to Israel and I'm just waiting for my job to wake up and tell me when I'm going. But in reality, I'm so scared...I'm scraed of what I'm gonna feel and more importantly I'm almost certain I'm not going to want to come 'home'. I know most people wouldn't expect this from me -- as I'm not your typical flipped out seminary girl -- but I haven't lost those feelings from way back.

I literally dream about Israel in all it's holiness and glory and wonder why I'm not there or wonder if I will ever be there. Interesting, I won't limit myself to dating only aliyah minded guys. Quite the contrary, in fact! But my dreams always linger to Israel. Maybe one day it will become a reality...

Decisions, Decisions....

2006-01-15T20:19:00.000-05:00

I have been contemplating for quite some time now what it is I want to do with my life. I had originally planned to go to dental school but as of late, the profession is not singing to my heart. Here are the top five choices (in no particular order), what do you think?

1. Speech Therapy
2. Social Work
3. Law School
4. Dental School
5. Psychology

Now for the pro's and con's of each:

1. Speech Therapy -- Great job for a mother. Flexibility to support a family especially if husband ends up learning full time. Very people oriented, and the ability to change someones life.
2. Social Work -- Horrible pay. Great job for a mother and VERY people oriented.
3. Law School -- Good job, good pay. Terrible hours until you make it big. People oriented but can become very unethical.
4. Dental School -- Good job, good pay. Good hours but in order to do anything to really give someone a life change there are many many years of school (7!!!!)
5. Psychology -- Good job, good pay, good hours. MANY years of school in order to get your PhD. Can be very emotionally taxing but deffinitely hands on in changing peoples lives.

OYYYY...the choices.....

Ethical Dilemma

2006-01-15T18:22:00.000-05:00

I was having a perfectly enjoyable Friday night meal at some friends. Nice company, nice food (wait, I'm on my pscyho diet....so I didn't eat any of it...but it sure looked good!) great divrei Torah etc... Until, I was informed that everyone had decided to go to a singles event (mind you, there were 4 people aside from me at the meal. You do the math -- 4 people makes how many couples? Only one was married, but still...) where someone organized a chulent contest including 13 different types of chulent. I was about to go with them even though alarm bells were going off in my head to not go. I was so close, literally 10 ft away, when I decided...no, I was not going to give in. So instead, I said good bye to my friends' and parted ways.

Some of you may wonder: "Hey you'r single, why in the world would you avoid a singles event??" Well to tell you all the truth, I would have loved to go to hang out with people I probably have not seen in a while but all at the same time, I have this voice in the back of my head telling me that if I'm looking for a specific type of guy then I should act in a manner deserving of him.

The types of guys I date and am interested in are the guys who are sitting in the beis medrash late at night learning, not going to chulent parties. Maybe I'm wrong and I shouldn't care but I unfortunately we live in a world where everyone is watching you and how you act. For better or for worse, I'm pretty well known, so I have more to fear than your average person. So, I have to be careful.

Also, I can't stand being hypocritical that if I were to say watch movies but expect a potnetial mate not to.... well to me...that's just wrong.

Love at First Sight?

2006-01-10T20:37:00.000-05:00

Do YOU believe in love at first sight?

I think anything is possible, but at the end of the day, how can you know a person's total being from just laying eyes on them???

I would love to hear people's oppinions on this matter!

Yeshivish: To be or not be, that is the question!

2006-01-01T21:07:00.000-05:00

I often get into long winded conversations (most of them, unwantingly so) about what it means to be Yeshivish. Unlike most people in my circle, I have grown up with a strong 'yeshivish' background. Where my brothers attended 'black hat' yeshivas, where Torah was the primary focus and all secular studies took a back seat. I on the other hand attended an all girls school where Torah and Secular studies weighed the same. So naturally my brothers and I developed different minsets and goals. No, we are not worlds apart but certainly different. For one example, I am driven towards my secular education, whereas they are not at all.

I just have a good definition of what it means to be yeshivsh. I believe that it means someone who has a view that Torah is the most important thing in the world and that our lives are guided through it, someone who views Daas Torah as a determinig factor for different complications that come up in life, and someone who associates himself with a communtiy/yeshiva with those values.

I'm more curious to hear other people's definitions and what they think it means to be yeshivish.

What are you?

2005-12-23T14:27:00.000-05:00

I discovered this test from various blogs and I thought I would take it myself. Take the test, and post your results!

Good Luck!

Welcome (Back)

2005-12-12T11:29:00.000-05:00

I thought I would re-invent my blog with a slightly different twist. I'm looking forward to sharing some ideas and thoughts that go through my mind and see how others feel about them. My plan is to make the blog more public. So, I won't be sharing my deepest darkets thoughts but I'll be sharing more surface thoughts. Looking forward to hearing all your oppinions!